“I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.” — Jarod Kintz Driving Copy Share Image
“Probably when people hear our national anthem they think of me. A real American hero.” — Jarod Kintz American hero Copy Share Image
“Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I kiss like a skyscraper meets the sky, only with less scraping and more vertigo.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ben Bernanke is like an economist on a misty morning, because he hasn’t the foggiest clue.” — Jarod Kintz Economics Copy Share Image
“I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“His last name was Chew, and I didn’t care if he was Asian, I still screamed, “Not with your mouth open!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to write a chicken story, starting from scratch, and my handwriting is chicken scratch so it’s perfect.” — Jarod Kintz Writer Copy Share Image
“I’d like to assess all the asses on the beach. By hand. I should try to get a sponsorship from an oven… — Jarod Kintz Beach Copy Share Image
“A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy night. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.” — Jarod Kintz Fog Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to let that special someone in your life know how much you love them. Instead of tossing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The pain I felt when I lost my glove was nothing compared to the pain I felt losing my hand as well.” — Jarod Kintz Pain Copy Share Image
“A tongue, if used the wrong way, can cause serious injury or even death. Politicians are famous for misusing their tongues this… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“My mother always told me not to pick my nose, so I’m going let the plastic surgeon decide what my new nose… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. If only your spouse is invited under your blanket, then each party feels… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am fun, friendly, and I know how to use the third comma in a list of three distinct items or things.… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A traditional doctor gets paid to push pills, vaccinate, radiate, and basically exterminate people. No different than a contract killer—except the hit… — Jarod Kintz Doctor Copy Share Image
“The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were learning to compose music like Mozart, and I was learning to listen like Beethoven.… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“When I’m introduced to a woman for the first time, I always say the same thing. I say, “Hi, I’m Jarod, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not going to beg for my clone to get on his knees and grovel.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to silence your critics. Well, unless all your critics are mutes. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.” — Jarod Kintz Dog Copy Share Image
“Without an apostrophe, she’ll is just a shell. And I am the turtle inside.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m twice as twice as the guy in second place. My love comes first.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.” — Jarod Kintz Beer Copy Share Image
“Things aren’t often what they appear to be at first blush. But embarrassment is.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I was part of a focus group once, but to be honest, I couldn’t concentrate.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm full of surprises. I'm also full of semen—and sometimes that's the surprise. ” — Jarod Kintz Semen Copy Share Image
“If a university’s colors were blue and pink, they could be the Fighting Sunsets.” — Jarod Kintz Colors Copy Share Image
“Sword and words—same letters, and same ability to cut down.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
