“I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only thing better than being productive, is being reproductive. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is the science of reducing your sound while upping the amplitude of another person.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“It’s amazing how nostalgia filters out the bad and focuses only on the good.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a problem. I wouldn’t say I’m in a pickle. More like a vinegarized cucumber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I eat bar soap raw, because if you try cooking it, it disappears. The soap turns into soup.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to be like air. Invisible, yet everybody needs me in their life.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people talk nonstop and manage to say nothing at all. Other people are more efficient and manage to say nothing at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also… — Jarod Kintz Risk Copy Share Image
“When I see a cop’s lights behind me at two in the morning, and I have my disco ball dangling from my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To live a sinless life is good, but if you live in a cave and positively influence nobody, you may not have… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Kick the blanket, don’t kick the bucket—especially if that bucket is full of death (or bricks). ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep a level head. I don’t mean remaining rational, I mean literally, keep your head still… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to a friend I haven’t spoken to in forever. Forever is a long time,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to separate two types of people. On the left is a guy who loves my writing, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans… — Jarod Kintz American people Copy Share Image
“Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Because I’m emotionally immature, I’d prefer letting go of you early and always remembering you as you were, rather than hanging on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t like it when I have guests over and my girlfriend doesn’t wear pants and makes sock puppets with stinky socks… — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“It reminds me of something Zelda told her friend about me when she didn’t think I was listening: “I wish he had… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I don’t want a home, but I do want to buy a lot that I like a lot.” — Jarod Kintz Home Copy Share Image
“My knowledge is mine to use as I see fit. But I’m way too out of shape to see fit.” — Jarod Kintz Knowledge Copy Share Image
“In high school I attended a magnet school—for refrigerators.” — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world. — Jarod Kintz Difference Copy Share Image
“He said he thinks he’s God, and I said, In that case, I’m an atheist.” — Jarod Kintz Atheist Copy Share Image
“I don’t just want to be the best in my field, I also want to be the greenest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like the way I look, but I don’t like the way my mirror presents me. It’s biased.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.” — Jarod Kintz Circulatory system Copy Share Image
“A brick could be broken—shattered—and then given as a gift, a jigsaw puzzle. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always leave the toilet seat up. It’s just easier to wash my hair that way.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
