“For God’s sake, man, cover up your erection. Here, use the back pocket of my jeans.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The old me is younger than the me now. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I got shingles from my ex girlfriend. But that’s to be expected, since she is a roofer.” — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“The number I had for her didn’t work. But in this depression, could you blame it?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The door of love is squeaky. Would you mind oiling it on your way out?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I plan on leaving my mark on this world, in ink, with a pen spill that’ll make all the oil spills combined… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I can take care of myself, but I can’t take care of myself and a child. I’ve decided to give myself up… — Jarod Kintz Adoption Copy Share Image
“What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but government work is not for… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If we were to kiss passionately for 30 minutes, would you refill my oxygen tank in the process?” — Jarod Kintz Kiss Copy Share Image
“If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Some events in your life leave a lasting impression. A thing that majorly impacted my life was the car that hit me… — Jarod Kintz Impacted Copy Share Image
“I go to networking events because what else am I going to do? I’ve already finished my daily planning for how to… — Jarod Kintz Networking Copy Share Image
“I would never date Austin. Not that it’s gay, but it’s simply too densely populated for a relationship.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This book does not exist. And if that doesn’t deter you from buying it, then I’m also selling frozen alien flesh, a… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like a Love Fleece. I imagine you’re shaking your head. Do you disagree? Fine, then when you’re… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The office is painted with green and red stripes. It’s not painted that way so my mom can experience Christmas 364 more… — Jarod Kintz Christmas Copy Share Image
“I’ll buy your product and then return your product, and tell you to keep my money, so it feels more like a… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“It wouldn’t necessarily be tongue in cheek if a woman told me I kiss like a toothbrush. And I do. In fact,… — Jarod Kintz Tongue in cheek Copy Share Image
“Sure, I have nice shoes. They’re in my closet, collecting a patina of dust. My shoes were made for dancing, and that’s… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were two lovers disguised as librarians. We met in the non-fiction section, and that’s the… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m older now, which I can’t help, but I’m also fatter, thanks to all the extra helpings.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Too much coffee has been spilled in the name of war. Let us love and savor every drop.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I bought a five-pound sack of sugar. Now I just need to buy a cup of coffee to dump it in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The abbreviation for Brazil, BRA, makes me think of breasts. I have no idea why.” — Jarod Kintz Boobs Copy Share Image
“I’m rich in poverty. I got no money coming out of my ass. I’m up to my neck in broke.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public. — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“Yeah, I enjoy musical chairs. My furniture is deaf, so it gets rather interesting.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely.¨ — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were orange, like an apple, there’d be nothing to compare it to.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
