“When I’m competing to be on the bottom during sex, I always come out on top.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made a mistake, but I didn’t beat myself up about it. No, I beat up my clone. ” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“This book does not exist. And even if it did, it wouldn’t be worth buying or reading.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Life's too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I have so many pet peeves that I can’t even pet them all. And damn I wish they were furry.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Never chew off the hand you write with, you might survive and have to sign autographs.” — Jarod Kintz Autographs Copy Share Image
“When people say they don’t understand my generation, I like to point out that it’s not “my” generation. I’m only co-owner with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve had a stressful day, and I need something stronger than beer. Somebody fetch me a bodybuilder. Check the cooler in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Like my grandpa, who dropped out of school to farm, I have a 4th grade education. Of course, I have a college… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“His voice was so gravelly I could drive a truck on it. And I would have, but I came carrying my bicycle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The bands of color in a rainbow remind me of my band, Bands of Color. We’re not very musical, but we sure… — Jarod Kintz Music making Copy Share Image
“Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don’t get it down on paper it decomposes in my head. This… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Too many men have died in the name of old age. I know, because my grandmother was one of them.” — Jarod Kintz Grandmother Copy Share Image
“My name is Mr. Murderedscott. But if you want to know what happened to Scott, I didn’t kill him.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made you a logo. It’s supposed to represent you as a person, and that’s why it looks like an asshole. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My facial expression must have looked like a swarm of bees as I drank the hot brown liquid. Whatever it was, it… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I give automated responses to people without even listening to what they say. For example, someone might tell me, “Enjoy the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m very careful with political statements. When I bash the Republicans, I know I’ll piss off about half the people. That’s why… — Jarod Kintz Democracy Copy Share Image
“When I feel sad, I try to think of someone else in the world who is suffering worse than me. Like someone… — Jarod Kintz Every morning Copy Share Image
“I’m world famous. Throughout the globe—north, south, east, and west—there are literally four people who know my name. It’s great to have… — Jarod Kintz Around the world Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You told me you loved me, and then you stabbed me with a spoon. Luckily, moments… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I want to be a politician because I like the idea of public service. Come on, who wouldn’t want all the people… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Economist should be spelled echonomist, because they all repeat each other. — Jarod Kintz Economics Copy Share Image
“I just stepped in shit, and now I’ve got political rhetoric all over my shoes.” — Jarod Kintz Political rhetoric Copy Share Image
“I feel like I’m walking around in a fog. Orafoura doesn’t call me Mr. Mist for nothing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used for bric-a-brac. If you bring the brick, I’ll bring the brac. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Not only did I not get it done, but I’m over budget too. I’m like a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My writing looks like it’s ten steps behind my mind, and racing to always catch up.” — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep warm, and a blanket could be used to build a house.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wear a jockstrap with my gun holster (loaded with fruits and vegetables).” — Jarod Kintz Fruits and vegetables Copy Share Image
“If we built a boat out of our love, she’d build an ark, while I’d build a canoe.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Spiders are my kryptonite. Also, neon green crystals are my kryptonite. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The most deadly combination known to man is low IQ and high testosterone.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This is the Los Angeles Lakers of sunsets. Purple and yellow, it reminds me of Larry Bird.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the men in mental. Well, me and my clones do. Alone I just put in the man.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“2021—will it be a good year, or will it be just another two consecutive numbers?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s a relentless wave of WTF coming out of Washington DC.” — Jarod Kintz Washington dc Copy Share Image
