Sometimes the thing that brings us together also pulls us apart. Sort of like a zipper. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Please, come in. Let me open the air conditioning vent so you can squeeze through.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t try blowing smoke up my ass, because you’ll find my anus blocked—by a cigar.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If rubber bands played basketball, I’d tell them, You have to be better down the stretch.” — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“I feel like the boy who cried wolf, even though I know even less about politics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A pile of hairy towels is not a passable substitute for a dog.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“I’d rather have a high EQ than a high IQ. After all, what is more important than love?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Fight or flight? If I had wings, there’d be no choice. But since I don’t have wings, I have to rely on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll exhale hot breath into my palm before touching you, because I have cold hands, and also because your hands smell like… — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“Call me Jack Sonville. It’s not just my name—it’s my location. I’d love to move. But first I’d have to change my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to be able to convert sunlight to iron, because your body needs it to live, particularly if an attacker is… — Jarod Kintz Sunlight Copy Share Image
“If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I… — Jarod Kintz Brotherhood Copy Share Image
“As a point of fact, the best apologies don’t come at the point of a sword, they come freely and of one’s… — Jarod Kintz Torture Copy Share Image
“He attacked me, so I had to slit his throat with a steak knife. But not before I splashed Worcestershire sauce all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in… — Jarod Kintz Getting Pregnant Copy Share Image
“If I converted an old bubble gum machine into a Love Dispenser, and charged a quarter for some love, then people probably… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Two one-armed people might seem perfect for each other, but what if they’re both missing the same arm? Then even something simple… — Jarod Kintz Couple Copy Share Image
“Everywhere I go I'm too focused on everyone else to realize that they are too focused on themselves. And by everyone else… — Jarod Kintz Focus Copy Share Image
“I often find myself in a room full of strangers, and very often it’s a tough crowd. But I’m a master networker,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am not challenging you to be you, I am challenging you to be you. In the first case, I’d be challenging… — Jarod Kintz Challenge Copy Share Image
“Today I ate my manuscript with the very spoon I used to write it with. My book was called “Chicken Noodle Soup… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I get Gulliver’s Travels and Thousand Island dressing mixed up.” — Jarod Kintz Gulliver Copy Share Image
“A brick is a fraction of a building, and a brick is like a building—if you're like an ant. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have an 8th grade education. Of course, I also have a bachelor’s degree.” — Jarod Kintz Bachelor Copy Share Image
“On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.” — Jarod Kintz Alcoholic Copy Share Image
“I am willing to barter my nudity for your love. That way the IRS can’t tax our transaction.” — Jarod Kintz Barter Copy Share Image
“I have an iron deficiency. You can tell by how wrinkled my clothes are.” — Jarod Kintz Productivity Copy Share Image
