“Fighting and dancing are kind of related. Especially if you dance with another man’s woman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were a magician, I’d hand out broken compasses. It’s all about misdirection. ” — Jarod Kintz Magic Copy Share Image
“Scars are proof man isn’t perfect, though constantly getting closer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes, like if he’s barefoot or not.” — Jarod Kintz Barefoot Copy Share Image
“I enjoy breakfast in bed. But not while I am sleeping, because that’s when I’m making love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People are more likely to like you if you treat them with respect and Linseed oil.” — Jarod Kintz Respect Copy Share Image
“If I hung out with Van Gogh, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d just play it by ear, I guess.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Maybe I could hear better if my ears weren’t flipped inside out. Unlike a cat’s ears, you can’t tell mine are flipped… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have an ill-fitting jacket. It looks sick. It has an “I Voted” sticker on it, so perhaps it’s as disgusted with… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“My gas tank is empty, and my stomach is empty, but my heart if full—of love. However, per gallon, I think I… — Jarod Kintz Gallon Copy Share Image
“I'm growing as a person. I'm self-farming. That's the highest form of farming, even greater than being a duck farmer, which, as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A disobedient child is one who blinks of his own volition, without being told to or even looked at. That’s usually when… — Jarod Kintz Blindfold Copy Share Image
“If love were a person, it would look like me, only taller. And more handsome. And quite likely more muscular too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The escalator doesn’t work, and you’d think they’d still be used as stairs, but in this economic depression, even the stairs are… — Jarod Kintz Economic depression Copy Share Image
“The girl who did my oil change was so sexy that after she was done, I drove nonstop 2500 miles one way,… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.”… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I once went to a Russian restaurant called “Stalin’s Café.” All the items on the menu looked tempting, but after careful deliberation,… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of a bed. As far as… — Jarod Kintz Swimming pool Copy Share Image
“I train for the winning moments, hoping all those seconds off the clock will lead to firsts. I train for seconds, that’s… — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“If I were a paper pusher for a living, I’d be pissed if my coworkers moved my desk into the wind tunnel.… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A great gift would be a cheap pen, mounted on a wooden plaque, with the accompanying label that reads, “This is the… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“My grandma came over yesterday, and I had just jumped out of the shower, so I answered the door in my towel.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My face looks different now that I got the boundaries redrawn by an experienced cartographer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Vigalig the Destroyer. Except during the day, and then I am Gigalig the Giggler.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed down on the first step on the path to enlightenment.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Candy is full of taste. But so is shit, because taste is full of smell.” — Jarod Kintz Candy Copy Share Image
“I’d rather coin a few words than coin a few quarters, nickels, or dimes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My brother’s a big dog guy. He’s 7’2” and half man, half man’s best friend.” — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“He was a cheeky bastard, especially when he talked with a thong in his mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Cheeky Copy Share Image
“Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nobody likes a dick. Except a pussy. Or an asshole. Or a goat’s mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An elephant trunk is a metaphor for a penis. But not just any penis—my penis.” — Jarod Kintz Elephant Copy Share Image
“I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
