“When it seems like the sky is about to collapse, relax, that’s just the roof caving in.” — Jarod Kintz Collapse Copy Share Image
“Get a watermelon, draw a face on it, and talk to it before making love to it.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“In bed, I could climb in, if you ever rest. Then I could mount you like Everest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gave her a Boston cream pie, even though we were in Seattle at the time.” — Jarod Kintz Seattle Copy Share Image
“I admire the Stanley Cup. I’ll bet winning it could provide enough clean water for half of Africa (the middle half).” — Jarod Kintz Clean water Copy Share Image
“If an actor’s neither talented nor handsome, what difference is there between him and any other waiter? That reminds me, my drink… — Jarod Kintz Actor Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in religious ceremonies. After all, it is slightly better than using live human sacrifices.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My dad was born poor, made a fortune during his life, and then died suddenly—murdered by his only son, leaving his vast… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a headstone. Or the instrument that proves “until death do us part” is faster and cheaper… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Maybe one day I’ll be a real boy. Maybe then my untruthful nose won’t be longer than my truthfully aroused penis.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather fail to try than try and fail. But, then, I am a coward who votes with my wallet, which is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I collected dust, I wouldn’t mind if I got dust on it. My collection would grow and accumulate naturally. Probably my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One day Orafoura and I were walking along and I turned and said, "I wish I could capture the weather in a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m 30, and his daughter is 18. He said I was too old for her. So I asked him if I was… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“When I got a networking event, I don’t see a crowd of strangers—I see an admiring audience waiting for me to perform… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mouth and then rinsing out with cold, refreshing reality. But… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m always 15 minutes early for everything. In fact, I was born 15 minutes early. That’s why my love is always a… — Jarod Kintz Early love Copy Share Image
“If you were running away from me, down a straight hallway with an oiled hardwood floor, and I had a machine gun… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“It was one-way glass, and I was on the inside and she was on the outside. She was looking at me with… — Jarod Kintz Confidence Copy Share Image
“No bears were molested in the making of this book. Well, no live bears.” — Jarod Kintz Bears Copy Share Image
“I crammed six years of silence into sixty seconds, held frozen and firm with an icy stare. ” — Jarod Kintz Silence Copy Share Image
“I didn’t work security at the dodge ball factory, but I was a bouncer.” — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“I always never leave things for the last minute. I leave them for 59 seconds.” — Jarod Kintz Last minute Copy Share Image
“The number 12 is good, the number 123 is better, but the number one is still the best.” — Jarod Kintz Mathematics Copy Share Image
“I can’t do a round off, but I can round off to the nearest back handspring.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I went into the prosthetic limb business, I’d charge an arm and a leg.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis. ” — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“A volt is a measure of power, and the same can be said when people revolt.” — Jarod Kintz Power Copy Share Image
“I just wrote the book of love. Well, I coauthored it with Cupid and Nicholas Sparks.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“She told me she has her eye on me, so I said, And what do you have your other eye on?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“OK isn’t just all right—it’s also the abbreviation for the state above Texas.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just got around to brushing my teeth today, and now my asshole smells minty fresh.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
