“I won't read a book whose pages have been dog-eared, because I'm more of a cat person.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Before I make you boss, I want to tattoo “Assistant” around your asshole.” — Jarod Kintz Tattoo Copy Share Image
“My advice to men is this: Don’t rape a Pringles can, because empty does not mean void of no.” — Jarod Kintz Advice Copy Share Image
“Networking is like fishing. Just give some beer and a boat and I’ll be in business.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I don’t endorse my checks, because what, am I just going to give away free autographs?” — Jarod Kintz Autograph Copy Share Image
“If Warren Buffet made chocolate, I’ll bet it’d be really rich. And corrupt.” — Jarod Kintz Buffet Copy Share Image
“The ultimate weapon is Lady Gaga’s music. Why kill the enemy when you can play her music and they’ll want to kill… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He was a man I came to respect. Not because he wore Ziploc bags for socks (he had sweaty feet), but because… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Never sit on a freshly painted bench, or stand on a wet wall. That’s a lesson in love I had to learn… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’d rather jump in a tank with a tiger shark than make love to his right hand. I don’t care if he… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I have a secret secret admirer. Not only is her identity a secret—but so is the fact that she admires me. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I'd reply, "Why thank you. I think I will!” — Jarod Kintz Hermaphrodite Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick wall Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you become an Olympic swimmer. Tie the brick around your legs and have a friend… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“Today somebody asked me if I had to lose one of my senses, which would I choose? “Oh my God,” I said,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I bought an oxygen tank, because with the global population at over seven billion people and rising, what if the world were… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We never know how bad we had it, until something better comes along and we get to experience it for a while… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“There are billions of conversations happening every second, and it’s too bad I can’t listen to more than about half of them… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to use my influence for good, rather than evil. And in this case, the good is a free meal at… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“If someone is playing on my fear, the natural tendency for a person is to throw all their energy and focus into… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“People remember a smile more readily than a name. That’s why for branding purposes, I created my logo so that it features… — Jarod Kintz Branding Copy Share Image
“When I get to heaven, and I see a being of light, I’m going to ask him if he’s the urologist.” — Jarod Kintz Heaven Copy Share Image
“I used to live with someone of the opposite sex. It’s called a sister, and I don’t have one.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I care for her about my mom like a Maggie (three Donalds per serving).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Me and my girlfriend aren’t a good fit. Her clothes are much too small for me.” — Jarod Kintz Clothes Copy Share Image
“I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brains.” — Jarod Kintz Politicians Copy Share Image
“Are you cool enough to live on Me street? It’s a one-way street, you know.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You don’t need my approval to disagree. But I’m sure you agree—and I’m sure you agree.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s what you do in your free time that will set you free—or enslave you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Anyone want some of my foot long sub? It’s huge! It’s nearly half as long as my penis.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
