“Christ was the son, I am a magnifying glass, and you are an ant.” — Jarod Kintz Christ Copy Share Image
“A wink and a glance walk into a bar. I know because I saw it out of the corner of my eye.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My goal is to do the most with the least—get the maximum output with the minimum input.” — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“The legend of Sam, the homosexual hermaphrodite. (The impossibility is half possible!)” — Jarod Kintz Homosexuality Copy Share Image
“Water is nearly invisible. So is my love. Drink it in, but don’t choke on it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I wear sunglasses, the day turns shades of night, and it’s as if the blocking of the sun to my eyes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I'm in yoga class, and I'm in the Tree Pose, I always pretend I'm the Tree of Knowledge. To help further… — Jarod Kintz Tree of knowledge Copy Share Image
“A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to write a song about one man's level of commitment called, "I'd walk to the edge of the world, just… — Jarod Kintz Edge of the world Copy Share Image
“If I had my clone take a test for me, it’s likely I’d misspell my own name. And I’m terrible at remembering… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“To keep my cat from drinking out of the toilet, I could close the toilet lid, I could close the bathroom door,… — Jarod Kintz Bad example Copy Share Image
“I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The idea of a belt holding my pants up seems so 20th century. Imagine a world where your pants are held high… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You asked how long I’ve loved you, and I replied, “About 5,280 feet.” It was true.… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I’m never lonelier than when I’m in a crowded room, talking to nobody, awkward and isolated, trying to decide how to stand… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I wear sunglasses while I urinate, and pretend that my pee is a solar laser beam that will cut through my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“There was an amazing party last night. I would have asked you to come with me, but the invitation read “Guest plus… — Jarod Kintz Invitation Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to tell people a thousand miles and a thousand years away hello. Greetings European people of 3013!… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The Builders are building with you in mind, dear citizen, so don’t worry your tiny mind about whether the bricks they are… — Jarod Kintz Builders Copy Share Image
“Communicating, like undressing someone, can effectively be done with your eyes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My resume speaks for itself, so to speak. I recorded it on a tape recorder.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She said “I love you,” and I said the only thing I could say: “How about every other Tuesday?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Welcome to,to,to,to,to Stutterville! P,p,p,please have a seat on your own lap.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My girlfriend Likes Sex and the City. Trouble is, I live in the country.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“When your clothes are aren’t, I’ll be there trying to get invisible with you.” — Jarod Kintz Clothes Copy Share Image
“I need your help. Hold this water balloon while I pee in it.” — Jarod Kintz Balloon Copy Share Image
“Masturbation, like writing, is best when your mind is working faster than your hand.” — Jarod Kintz Masturbation Copy Share Image
“I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Pound-for-pound, I’m the best non-fighter in the world. I could kick Gandhi’s ass.” — Jarod Kintz Gandhi Copy Share Image
“I’d like to tweeze all the Tuesdays of the year, and all the Mondays off my chest.” — Jarod Kintz Monday Copy Share Image
“It’s what’s inside that matters. I’m confused inside, because I just ate some sweet and sour.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
