“I need to go to the store and pick up some condoms. But first I need to pick up some women.” — Jarod Kintz Condoms Copy Share Image
“I stole her perfume out of her car, and in its place I left a loud fart.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m now solidly in my mid-thirties. I turned thirty, three days ago.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Garbage truck beepers belong in a symphony. Or would that really put the phony in symphony?” — Jarod Kintz Song Copy Share Image
“I knew a woman named Hope once, and boy did she fill me with her first name.” — Jarod Kintz Hope Copy Share Image
“I treat women like royalty. But not from a Bolshevik perspective.” — Jarod Kintz Bolshevik Copy Share Image
“Siamese twins have it great because one can jack off while the other talks dirty.” — Jarod Kintz Twin Copy Share Image
“I wear clothing made out of green screen material, because then I can go chameleon when I edit the photo. And chameleon… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I think the best time to launch an assault on a city would be not only in the middle of the night,… — Jarod Kintz Best time Copy Share Image
“If I were to hold up a bank with my index finger and my thumb as the “gun,” then I hope I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My clones just honored me with the 2012 Man of the Year Award. But I wasn’t fooled—I knew they were really honoring… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“When I burp I’m not just pushing polluted air into the world—no, I’m espousing my belief on the true nature of politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“Love is a boomerang dripped in honey, in that it emanates from me just as surely as it will return to me.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I had converted a beached whale into a tour bus, and I asked you to be… — Jarod Kintz Dead people Copy Share Image
“I like to fantasize about how far I’ll have come in a year. A year from now, I’ll be 12 months further… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a symbol for the kind of life I’m trying to build. The question now is, what… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We danced together. We didn’t look graceful, but how could we? She only had one leg and I had my eyes on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to suppress the price of gold. But not for very long, because once the people realize the… — Jarod Kintz Central bank Copy Share Image
“I think they should combine the Summer and Winter Olympics and call it the Fall Olympics. They could host it in the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My headboard has bars, like a jail cell. Sometimes I’ll be asleep and think I’m in prison, and I’ll hear my alarm… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A farm is a business, and I ran mine into the ground. The next year it grew back.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around with bricks for shoes, not going anywhere.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the leprechaun I rainbow into being. Buy me a beer, and get to know my inner midget.” — Jarod Kintz Leprechaun Copy Share Image
“I’m such a germaphobe that I think sanitation gloves should be thicker than boxing gloves.” — Jarod Kintz Boxing gloves Copy Share Image
“I made out like a bandit. Not that I’ve ever made out with a bandit.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a magician. I can make food appear—and out of my penis, no less.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.” — Jarod Kintz Generosity Copy Share Image
“I made a joke today, and I made it out of pennies. It was a very poor joke.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“Here’s a list in no particular order: chaos, confusion, and disorganization.” — Jarod Kintz Chaos Copy Share Image
“My baby nephew is a real ladies man. He doesn't need to pick up women. They pick him up.” — Jarod Kintz Ladies man Copy Share Image
“I consume knowledge like food. I prefer learning about fruits and vegetables.” — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
