“Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%! ” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I hate the phrase “Shit or get off the pot,” because I rarely cook with feces.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I opened a storefront with a 6’ ceiling. I did it for the low overhead.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When someone asks me if I was born in a barn, I always give them a long face. And a whinny.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Are you smarter than my brain in a jar? Have a pickle while you ponder it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish I had a crystal bowl to see into the future with. Every morning I would eat my cereal out of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After dinner I told her I wouldn’t put away the plates, because I might cause an earthquake (plate tectonics).” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“It’s good if you think bad thoughts, because at least you’re thinking. That’s more than most people do.” — Jarod Kintz Bad thoughts Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to smother a fire—but not the fire that burns in my heart for you. Or perhaps that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I'm really going to freak out if I don't get into Histrionics 101. And if I get in, I'll also freak out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When someone I admire turns out to be a rather normal guy, I get offended because it’s an insult to my jealousy.” — Jarod Kintz Jealousy Copy Share Image
“I bought you a box of karate chops, but it could be dangerous to open it with a knife. And cats are… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a tank, if you rearrange the letters and leave out the leb. But why would you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only people who don’t need elevator pitches are elevator salesmen. I once tried to sell an elevator to a man who… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If artists often get famous posthumously, then there is only one thing for me to do—fake my own death. Or I could… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“My shoes were all muddy, so before I walked in my friend's house I sprinkled grass clippings all over my feet and… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“Water doesn’t shape like clay when you move it with your hands. I've spent a lot of time swimming, and none of… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Sunlight is great in a convertible, but it is not convertible to lemonade or love, and it’s not containable and easily shipped.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be reverse engineered to discover the origin of sleep. If we could figure out where sleep comes from, we’d… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He had a last name for a first name, and a last name for a last name, but only because it came… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to save the environment. I like being green as much as the next Smurf.” — Jarod Kintz Environment Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover up my modesty. And used to cover up my nakedness. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not Helen Keller—I’m Van Gogh. It’s not that I can’t hear, it’s that I don’t use my ears.” — Jarod Kintz Artist Copy Share Image
“Love isn’t the last thing on my mind. The last thing on my mind is my skull.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need to dig a hole the size of the Grand Canyon to bury all of my problems.” — Jarod Kintz Grand canyon Copy Share Image
“Ideas are like legs: what good are they if you can't run with them, or spread them?” — Jarod Kintz Creativity Copy Share Image
“I could put the journal in journalist, but I’d rather supply my diary.” — Jarod Kintz Diary Copy Share Image
“When I couldn’t grow a full beard I took it as a sign from God to grow a mustache instead.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“One javelin through five people is like a murder kabob. Saves bullets.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s no way to tell you the bad news without saying it, so I’ll say it with body language.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Tomorrow’s Pancake Friday, despite the fact that it’s Monday, and I don’t eat breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
