“I need a water/glory mix of 2:1. That’d make me piss like a champion.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Speed dating is great, because when that bell rings, I drool like Pavlov’s dog.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His face is so chiseled and angular that if he stood on the street corner and blushed, oncoming traffic would come to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to disguise the fact that I’m blushing. Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed! Don’t look at the… — Jarod Kintz Blushing Copy Share Image
“Poison Ivy tastes like an itch when you have it on your tongue, and I’d say that love tastes the same, only… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I think Starbucks would go out of business if more people were to Superglue their eyelids open when they felt tired.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“If it’s not one thing, it’s another. The other thing is, of course, two. That makes the one thing love, because two… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My advice is don’t take advice from anybody. This is good advice, and as such, it’s bad advice.” — Jarod Kintz Advice Copy Share Image
“I am a duck. I’m cool and calm on the surface, but underneath it all is a nonstop struggle to succeed. My… — Jarod Kintz Struggle Copy Share Image
“I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It wouldn’t necessarily be tongue in cheek if a woman told me I kiss like a toothbrush. And I do. In fact,… — Jarod Kintz Tongue in cheek Copy Share Image
“Sure, I have nice shoes. They’re in my closet, collecting a patina of dust. My shoes were made for dancing, and that’s… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were two lovers disguised as librarians. We met in the non-fiction section, and that’s the… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I would have enjoyed “Naked Lunch” that day, but the cafeteria served us all clothing. I like my meals a little more… — Jarod Kintz Naked Lunch Copy Share Image
“The bus had one too many people on it (the driver), so all of them had to die. The only thing that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To blame me in the past is a very future me thing to do. But what am I supposed to do, scapegoat… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I'd use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“She had no mind, but I didn’t mind, because she had a body like an upside down question mark.” — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“Every mission needs ammunition, even if it’s not bullets, but fiery pep talks.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll throw some dirty clothes under your car and claim you ran over my anorexic friend.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun. — Jarod Kintz Colors of the rainbow Copy Share Image
“I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perfect 100.” — Jarod Kintz Everyman Copy Share Image
“I’m lyrically illiterate. Actually, more accurately, I can’t read music.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m ambidextrous. I can write just as poorly with either hand.” — Jarod Kintz Ambidextrous Copy Share Image
“I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out of my way.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to create a root word where the root is “root.” Something like rootree.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A flower blooms in my heart. You may call that love, but I call it water conservation.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A root vegetable went missing. Maybe it will turnip in my next bad pun.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The roof of my mouth is not a good place to put in a new chimney. Put it behind my asshole.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wanted to write “I Want” because wanting is one of the things I want most in life.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
