“My favorite thing isn’t being the favorite to win—it’s being the underdog.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cap’n just jumped on the bed and says we should take a nap. And who am I to argue?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve got lots of pictures of the four years I spent in collage.” — Jarod Kintz Collage Copy Share Image
“I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Am I the only guy that holds a flute of champagne like it’s a musical instrument?” — Jarod Kintz Champagne Copy Share Image
“Each one of my nostrils is the size of my urethra. Every breath smells like piss.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At… — Jarod Kintz Spartans Copy Share Image
“I’ll steal the letter X, and replace it with treasure. So sex would then be spelled setreasure, but it’d still be just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used like trophies. And if we give them to everyone, just for participating, then collectively we could build a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When somebody tells me they’ve had a bad day, I always respond in a somber voice, “Yes, I’ve had one of those… — Jarod Kintz Bad day Copy Share Image
“A cat purring on your lap while you sip hot tea, is there anything better? Oh, and you’re floating in a zero… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“A brick could be substituted in for Kansas as a US state, because they’re roughly the same shape, they have the same… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t remember the last time I had fun. Wait, yes I can. It was 1989, and I was wearing a t-shirt… — Jarod Kintz Communism Copy Share Image
“Karate, I get a real kick out of it. I would get a kick out of coffee, but I’ve got better ways… — Jarod Kintz Better way Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to silence your internal critic. And if you don’t shut him up, I’ll do it for you.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in conjunction with another brick to be the Democrat and Republican Presidential candidates. People will say, Vote… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wooden scrabble letters offer a whole forest of literature, tiled down for easy shower installment. If you limit your use to only… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a yes, and a blanket could be a no. Make your life so positive that you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I do a lot of business with businesses. And I do a lot of business with individuals. And guess what? It turns… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I don't know what love is, but I know what love isn't. Love isn't a peanut butter and tuna sandwich, because no… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I don’t understand why you don’t trust me. It’s not like you have a reason to not trust me. So, lend me… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I’m going to name my firstborn son 0123456789, because I want him to learn to count before he learns the alphabet. And… — Jarod Kintz Firstborn Copy Share Image
“I am the food of love. And do you know what food that is? Distilled barley.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like sex. Let’s get a group together. You know, for a better discount.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ought to fire one of my two employees into the other one’s asshole.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Lay your head on my shoulder and massage my buttocks while you cry.” — Jarod Kintz Massage Copy Share Image
“My love is as blue as the sky, and if I had to attach a time to it I’d say midnight.” — Jarod Kintz Blue sky Copy Share Image
“An umbrella is a portable shelter. My penis is a portable people maker. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife and I make love every night, sometimes even to each other.” — Jarod Kintz Every night Copy Share Image
“I covered up my mistakes—with dirt, like you’d do with any other dead bodies.” — Jarod Kintz Dirt Copy Share Image
“If you’re going to hold a grudge, at least put on an oven mitt before you pick it up.” — Jarod Kintz Grudge Copy Share Image
“What is your SPM (sperm per meal) content? A politician’s is very high.” — Jarod Kintz Happiness Copy Share Image
“If I say “No decision has been made,” it’s a lie—because I have decided to remain undecided.” — Jarod Kintz Choice Copy Share Image
“The ability to lick their own asses, does this make cats their own bosses?” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I’ll write something that’s 111% true. It’ll be so true that it’ll be 100% false.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
