“I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, except of course, not as lucky.” — Jarod Kintz Lightning Copy Share Image
“I brush my teeth with a leg of fried chicken, and gravy is my toothpaste.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.” — Jarod Kintz Depressing Copy Share Image
“Inappropriate interview question #7: Are you into retirement home butt sex?” — Jarod Kintz Interview Copy Share Image
“Don’t kill your wife—kill your wife’s mother, and make it look like your wife did it.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I've been able to sleep with my eyes open ever since I started watching baseball.” — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.” — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her clothes were half off—a sale, not a strip tease. Watching her shop was as hot as a fresh cup of coffee,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The phrase “Rat you out” is offensive because it’s not offensive enough. It should be “Politician you out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not true I think all politicians are morons. Morons are far too intelligent to be politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Funerals and weddings often take place in the same location. Some would also argue that they sometimes happen at the same time… — Jarod Kintz Funeral Copy Share Image
“It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five closest friends. Well, I have no… — Jarod Kintz Closest friends Copy Share Image
“A person’s favorite word is brother, because he or she can relate to it. I love it because we value most in… — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“I keep an outfit of my baby clothes on a hanger in my closet. It hangs there like a heretical, anorexic midget.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If counting is thinking, then the longest I’ve ever thought about any one subject continuously for is 127, 983 seconds. I might… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I don’t clean off the bug corpses that are petrified on my bumper for looks, then what do I do it… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“Conspiracy theorists like to claim NASA’s moon landing was faked. Well of course it was! But the biggest conspiracy of all is… — Jarod Kintz Conspiracy Copy Share Image
“I can see why they say golf is an expensive sport to play. If you have to drop a nickel on the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I lit my loneliness on fire like it was a cigarette. But I didn’t smoke it, because that would have required me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We fell in love like the Fourth of July. But there was nothing red, white, and blue about it, because we fell… — Jarod Kintz July Copy Share Image
“It’s supposed to be raining Thank Yous on Thursday, after an ingratitude draught. Also, you’d better enjoy my love while it’s fresh,… — Jarod Kintz Gratitude Copy Share Image
“I need camouflage that works in such a way that when I wear it, you disappear.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Snow on one side of the canvas, silence on the other. I’d call that a perfect painting.” — Jarod Kintz Painting Copy Share Image
“I’m in the Just Under A Decade club. That’s how long it took me to get a four-year degree.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I find wisdom in the waves. Goodbye is a hello to a life without you.” — Jarod Kintz Goodbye Copy Share Image
“I added five shots to my coffee, because that’s all the bullets my magazine can hold.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but ½ of a mating ritual.” — Jarod Kintz Mating Copy Share Image
“I collect orgasms. Unfortunately, lately I’ve been selling more than I’ve been buying.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For God’s sake, man, cover up your erection. Here, use the back pocket of my jeans.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
