“If my nipples were restart buttons, I’d let you play with my buttocks.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I launder dirty money. You should see my washing machine. (It’s filthy!)” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“The commodity I sell is nonsense. Condiments sold separately. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I built my marriage brick by brick. And I destroyed it blanket by blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about vomiting is that right after you do, you can continue eating.” — Jarod Kintz Eating Copy Share Image
“I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think you’re funny, and the toilet sounds like a soda can opening when it flushes. It’s a diet soda, so it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After years of searching, I finally found love. I found it in the unlikeliest of places: My best friend’s bed, right after… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“If I could sleep with any literary character, I’d love to sleep with The Cat in the Hat. But don’t tell Cap’n,… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Do you need some birthday dick? I once got dick for my birthday—my first birthday, in fact. That’s how they knew I… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“U2 makes music for guys who have ears and can hear. But U2 makes concert imagery for guys who need visual stimulation… — Jarod Kintz Concerts Copy Share Image
“I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size," and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I’ll bet Ryan Lilly drinks coffee like a flower—a lily. I drink coffee more like two roses and a nose walk into… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“50% of sales are going to come from women buying it for men, but where are the other 50% in sales going… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Stacks of vitamins in a soapy sink. Shh, don’t talk to me while I think. Don’t look while I stuff your yummy… — Jarod Kintz Empty mind Copy Share Image
“I think ghosts think I think they taste like cheese. I also think ghosts think I love cheese more than any other… — Jarod Kintz Ghost Copy Share Image
“Dreams have one-way doors—the door you enter cannot be exited from, and the door you exit from cannot be used for reentry.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How would you define love to an eight-year-old aardvark from Argentina who hears angularly, rather than linearly? I don’t know, but let… — Jarod Kintz Define love Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to fill Fort Knox. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, if we fill Fort Knox with bricks,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t do it in 1066. But I’m only not guilty because I wasn’t quite alive then. The ferocity of the Normans… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“I would consider myself a regular at my favorite bar, but there’s nothing normal about me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I dance for a living. At the early bird special you can find me—doing the worm.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“The dollar isn’t worth its weight in gold, and the pound isn’t worth its weight in ounces.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I told him he needed a faucet and a basin, and I let this information sink in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d collaborate with my clones, because I’m a team player who wants all the credit.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used as tents. That would free up tents to be used as portable sex stalls. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to build a future with me. Come, let’s start a life together. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The idea of a blind date scares me. But a deaf date would be great.” — Jarod Kintz Blind date Copy Share Image
“When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I had an arranged marriage. If I didn’t, how would anybody know when and where to show up?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Show me how to lactate, and I’ll be the best mother a father could be.” — Jarod Kintz Best mother Copy Share Image
“Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.” — Jarod Kintz Bulletproof Copy Share Image
“I could tell we were going to get along from the way he wiped his ass—on my tie.” — Jarod Kintz Wiped Copy Share Image
