“What’s furry, has four legs, and meows? My dinner, before I killed and cooked it.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“The political brain is shaped like a peanut, only not as big.” — Jarod Kintz Political Copy Share Image
“I didn’t form my lips into the shape of a kiss. I was merely about to whistle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everything east of the Mississippi is west of the Mississippi, if you just keep going.” — Jarod Kintz Mississippi Copy Share Image
“The business of business is people, not products or services. Take care of the people, and the people will take care of… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A haunted house could be used to teach the value of valuelessness to a group of zeroes. What else could appreciate a… — Jarod Kintz Ghost Copy Share Image
“I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.” — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“A brick can’t cure cancer. But who knows, maybe a brick combined with a blanket could. I’ll have to ask Dr. Burzynski… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I think of the Middle Ages I think of castles, Catholicism, and taking your kids to soccer practice.” — Jarod Kintz Middle ages Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as disbelief. I can tell you believe me, so why don’t you go ahead and hold this… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a "Waiter, there's a hair in my soup" dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“Here in Jacksonville there’s a road called Commonwealth Blvd., and today as I was driving on it, I realized how socialist the… — Jarod Kintz Socialist Copy Share Image
“My body had some sort of reaction to my erection, and the only thing I could think to do was vigorously rub… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top… — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“I have extremely great aim when it comes to peeing. I can, for instance, manage to not splash a single drop on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were a waiter, and a bald guy complained there was a hair in his food, I’d say, “Keep it, compliments… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drew a self-portrait of myself, drawn with my eyes closed from a memory someone else may or may not have had… — Jarod Kintz Artist Copy Share Image
“Thanks,” I said, “have a great day.” And I turned to leave. Damn! I am such a coward. Next time I’ll get… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When the going gets tough, the tough give thanks for their mountain bike. I’m so rugged even cavemen would call me Xtreme.… — Jarod Kintz Gratitude Copy Share Image
“If you listen to the rain long enough, you’ll eventually soak up the wisdom.” — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“4:00 am—it’s not too early to drink wine, it’s too late. Too late by seven minutes. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make believe like asexuals make love—alone, with cardboard tubes.” — Jarod Kintz Make believe Copy Share Image
“Writer’s block, I just drove around it four times. All my favorite writers live there.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not a consumer, because consumers are consumed with shopping. No, I prefer shoplifting.” — Jarod Kintz Shoplifting Copy Share Image
“Whenever I see a couple dancing, I think I could dance like that—if I were two people.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“Walking is so monotonous. Left, right, left, right, it’s also all so political.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
