“When he introduced himself as Dewey, I said, “It’s an honor to meet you Mr. Decimalsystem.” — Jarod Kintz Dewey Copy Share Image
“My love is as Swift as Taylor. You’d better shoot it down before it flies away. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If it looks like you have pink eye, I’ll take a look at it. Drop your pants and bend over.” — Jarod Kintz Pink Copy Share Image
“I don’t make love. But I do have it made in China. It’s just more cost effective.” — Jarod Kintz China Copy Share Image
“My love is useful, and my love is for sale. (Batteries not included).” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I am the red wheelbarrow of communism. William Carlos Williams wrote a poem about me.” — Jarod Kintz Communism Copy Share Image
“I’ll give you money to buy what I’m selling, because I’m a savvy salesman.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“There’s moisture in my madness. I should start keeping my insanity in Tupperware containers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like Tuesday at noon, even though it was Thursday at 3:00, and then again at 3:03. (I have the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Helping others without anticipating or expecting others to help you in return, that is the path to spiritual prosperity.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Death is like bedtime—we all want to put it off until tomorrow. But when you’re going to bed, I’m just getting up,… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I was hoping you’d leave the back door open for me, I said as he turned around to bend over and pick… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriends Copy Share Image
“Silence is downright noisy when you’re a loud thinker like I am. Alone and quiet, it’s like a networking event in my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yes, life could be better. But it could also be worse. Don’t believe me? Allow me introduce you to my mother-in-law.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Her golden hair moved like a hundred moths, all trying to saturate themselves in sunlight, while his hair was spiked like cleats,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. The Thursdays were back, and with them they brought hope. They were selling, and everybody was… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“When you’re as ugly as I am, you need all the beauty sleep you can get. I’ll be in the restroom resting… — Jarod Kintz Beauty Copy Share Image
“You can’t compare the taste of organic and non organic fruits and vegetables. Organic tastes like a ten-minute trumpet solo in your… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“If somebody were to ask me what it means to me to be American, I'd respond, "It's like eating scrambled eggplant with… — Jarod Kintz Sunny side Copy Share Image
“One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“But if she could be here, she probably wouldn’t be here. But that won’t stop me from ordering for two, and if… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mustaches are not only fashion statements, but they’re useful for tickling vaginas.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“100% of half the people I talked to agreed with me a quarter of the time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Television isn’t a substitute for a babysitter, but the microwave is. Mmmm cooked babies!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Death is coming—but hopefully not before old age, decrepitude, and senility. ” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I can’t afford to waste either my money or my time—but that doesn’t stop me from trying.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I both made the knife-fighting team, and I got cut. If only love were so easy to understand.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I put all my eggs in one basket, and then I jizzed all over them. I'm a natural politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I carry on about how much you love me, and I carry on my love like it’s carry-on luggage.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Rather than dirt, I’d rather push a wheelbarrow full of books. Dirty books.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Every home needs a woman’s touch. My penis also needs a woman’s touch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to what the hell your way out of your neighbor’s bedroom.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For my books, I do everything short of writing my own reviews. Those I do tall.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
