“I’ll tell myself whatever I need to hear to stop listening.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“It’s just a dream, I told myself. I hate when I dream of alarm clocks going off.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Onions enhance the flavor of food, and the taste of my kisses. ” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I don’t beat around the bush. Especially since I like my women clean shaven.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“75% of Irish people wish they were 76%. The other 25% wish they were 24%. ” — Jarod Kintz Irish Copy Share Image
“You can’t steal what no man owns. Like my love, for example. It’s owned exclusively by women.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Nobody wants to leave what they know to go either to the unknown, or to grandmother’s house.” — Jarod Kintz Grandmother Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to believe an eight-foot tall man can come out of a tight vagina. Obviously, mothers of really tall men must… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered "All of them," you should have your genitals ripped out… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Cats are always there when you need them, asleep, telling you with their body language that they don’t need you.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“I need to call it a night. But only because I don’t know what else to call it. What’s in between evening… — Jarod Kintz Evening Copy Share Image
“Numbers have power. But not enough to supply all the energy for all your daily electrical needs. There’s just not enough strength… — Jarod Kintz Energy Copy Share Image
“I want to merge oven mitts with boxing gloves, so I could effectively, and safely, fight fires. After all, fire fighters make… — Jarod Kintz Boxing gloves Copy Share Image
“If I owned a dry cleaners, I’d open at 9 and clothes at 5. Ugh. That pun was spot on. I’ll try… — Jarod Kintz Dry cleaners Copy Share Image
“I love body language, because I can speak it without talking, without listening, and while my back is turned.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“When certain people can’t figure out why a certain place produces a certain thing, they tend to say, “There must be something… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“Don’t be alarmed by the flashing lights and the sirens you can’t see or hear. Just keep your blindfold on, your earplugs… — Jarod Kintz Driving Copy Share Image
“The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me F*** you. Then Ill go back to that person and… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“I’ve wrestled an alligator before. It wasn’t alive, but I still pinned it down. I was trying to impress a woman, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Writing is the art of remembering and forgetting. You must forget what you’ve already written, because if you’re dwelling on your old… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“If I were a box of cereal, I wouldn’t want to talk about myself any more than I do now. Just flip… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The living have love for the dead, but the dead have no love for the living. I ought to know, because I’d… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I need to get my wedding ring resized, because it still fits tight around my neck.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“LIberty is slavery. Or, well, you already know. P.S. Can you find my logo in the image?” — Jarod Kintz Liberty Copy Share Image
“My crotch is the center of my body, but not the center of my being. That would be my asshole.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A quarter is a half of a half, which makes it more half than a whole half. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The pinnacle of every conversation is coming to the point.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I’d never shoot shrapnel at a bear, because why ruin a perfectly good rug like that?” — Jarod Kintz Shrapnel Copy Share Image
“I hit a car, but it wasn’t my fault. The bicyclist who rear ended me is to blame.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is a baton, as it passes from a civilization in ruin to one on the rise. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I heard God in the silence. I recognized his voice precisely because it was inaudible.” — Jarod Kintz God Copy Share Image
“A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
