“I’m a poor worker. The quality of work I do is excellent, but I make no money.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“He’s going to give me a piggyback ride home. He’s my designated walker.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasnt hungry, I just wanted to call some plays. — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
“I have a rough marriage. It feels like sandpaper, only not as soft and gentle on the anus.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I take humor very seriously. I also take it three times a day, with meals.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Drinking coffee is like drinking an inverse yawn. I prefer mine with two spoonfuls of “I’m listening.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn’t leave their wallets… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I won’t tell you my name, but I will give you a number that describes me: 4. One a 1-10 scale, I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I asked God to see into the future 50 years, and I couldn’t see myself, I wouldn’t assume I was dead.… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to represent my feelings for you. I think it’s slightly more communicative than me giving you a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like the Romans used Greek gods. Still, if you want my honest opinion, I’d rather pray to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m itching for battle—with a mosquito bite. The only thing in life I’ll scratch at more is the need to be loved.… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Planning is worrying, only in a productive, proactive form. Worry has to be a large element of planning, or else how could… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“I’m hypoglycemic and squeamish and liable to pass out at the first sign of blood. That happened this morning. I came into… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You have to slow down with this woman, because the moment she slows down and stops, she’ll die. She’s like a shark.”… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“My amazing feat features shoes (and feet)—it’s how far I’d walk for love. Guess how far? However far it is from the… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I tell people my name is “The Weather,” and that I understand how they don’t have anything else to talk about besides… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives… — Jarod Kintz Aspirations Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year… — Jarod Kintz Federal reserve Copy Share Image
“Sometimes when I read before bed I get so tired that my eyes gloss over the sentences without actually taking in any… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Anal Copy Share Image
“A brick is a banana. No it isn’t. Still, I think you should eat it anyway. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to schedule dentist appointments for March 32, otherwise known as April Fool’s Day.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An exercise in unknowing is not the same as not knowing or forgetting.” — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to wipe your ass with. You know, if you already live someplace shitty. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I've eaten cat food before. Of course, the menu listed it as "Chicken Lo Mein.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What’s the point of being the first to arrive? Nobody is there to witness your commitment.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know what it means to be alone, especially in a large group of clones.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“If I could lick the sunset, I’ll bet it would taste like Neapolitan ice cream.” — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“He was a vegetable, so trying to change his mind was fruitless.” — Jarod Kintz Fruitless Copy Share Image
“If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.” — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“I want to move to a ghost town and try to sell the population bodies to dwell in.” — Jarod Kintz Ghost town Copy Share Image
