“2001 was a great year. It was the first year I declared myself the “Man of the Century.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I bottled ginger ale, it’d be made from the finest red hair available.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“I can’t do my job, if you don’t do yours. I also can’t do my job, so can you do mine too?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love conducting double blind experiments with unsuspecting peeping Toms.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Loyalty is for the dogs. Count me among the cats. And count me twice—once for each of my faces.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“When traveling, most people want fast and safe. But if slow and dangerous is your thing, have you considered a hot-air balloon?” — Jarod Kintz Danger Copy Share Image
“-I’m 60-years-old. -Ma’am, I don’t believe it. -You’re too kind. -It’s true. You look at least 75.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.” — Jarod Kintz Asleep Copy Share Image
“My employer made me take a drug test. I got them all the answers right except for Viagra. On that question my… — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“My initials are J.O.K., and then there is a silent "E" on the end. And not only is it silent, but it's… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be divided into four equal pieces and split among three friends. I’ll take the two largest pieces, or half,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He died a suspicious death. But only because he was a politician, and everything he did was suspicious.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I’m a gopher. If I see something I want, I go for it, Orafoura said . And I’m a shepherd. If I see… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to open a broken marriage repair shop. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I am a fan of the… — Jarod Kintz Broken marriage Copy Share Image
“A brick could used to translate and transform long cuneiform texts into shorter tweets. Sure, just take the brick and smash the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were sitting in a dentist’s chair, and I was cleaning your teeth. You wondered if… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“Surrealist Tip # 7: Sleep through numbers 1-6. Write down your dreams while you sleep, sleep as fast as you can, but… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent no, and a blanket could be used to represent yes. If I ask you, “Will… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Losing a child must be the second most painful thing ever. The most painful thing would be to lose the child, find… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I’d give up three days just to get three hours with the woman I love. Of course this instinct is the reason… — Jarod Kintz Investing Copy Share Image
“I wish there were a way to see through walls. Oh yeah, there is—windows. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The past screams louder than the future. The future is mute, but it’s not deaf.” — Jarod Kintz Future Copy Share Image
“I decorated my ballsack in his honor. I wrote, “Welcome home, dad.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“We had a mythical love. Some would say, including her, that it didn’t exist.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I sent her a picture of an empty dinner plate, and the text said, Thinking of you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friend Angela, she’s no angel. But my friend Demonica, she’s aptly named.” — Jarod Kintz Angel Copy Share Image
“Can I park my horse in the handicapped parking space? It is gimpy and sort of crippled.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My book is awful,” I said. “Nonsense,” Dora J. Arod said. “Your book is nonsense.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“If you can listen to or read anything, but misspelled words offend you, raise your hadn.” — Jarod Kintz Misspelled Copy Share Image
“Guns don’t kill people. Politicians with sharp tongues do.” — Jarod Kintz Amendment Copy Share Image
“The Nile crashed in the Amazon while being piloted by Miss Ississippi.” — Jarod Kintz Nile Copy Share Image
“Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
