“When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When someone asks, Dogs or cats? I usually say, For what, dinner?” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You may not have said anything, but you’re right—silence is the best response.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This world is nothing more than fresh white underwear, and I’m going to leave my mark on it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wanted to make love in the rain, but owing to unfavorable (or, rather favorable) weather conditions, I took to the shower… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason… — Jarod Kintz Concept of time Copy Share Image
“I saw something scary. It was a boy, asking me what I’m doing naked in his father’s fridge. Dinner party’s over.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner party Copy Share Image
“So I got a new job, and I start tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, and bummed out I’m going to… — Jarod Kintz New job Copy Share Image
“The night before I’m murdered,” said the voice over in my head, “will be at noon.” I’d better write and mail all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dear cat, your ears are flipped inside out, so I know you’re not listening to a word I’m not saying.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I am the best Betsy the world’s ever unknown, and I wish people respected my privacy enough to spy on me and… — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and… — Jarod Kintz Writer Copy Share Image
“I wish somebody would combine tasers and dildos, and test the devices out on all the politicians in Washington DC. Well, all… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stall for time when the police are searching your place looking for a missing person. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive in the desert, unless I want to die.… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Two years ago I bought my brother’s slightly used iMac for five hundred bucks. Five hundred bucks! That’s the price of a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many as 10 new and unused ones… — Jarod Kintz Best time Copy Share Image
“If I were a robot, and I got cheated on with a vacuum cleaner, I’d question my cleanliness. I’d also wonder if… — Jarod Kintz Gold digger Copy Share Image
“Everybody who is 100 was at one time 25. But not everybody who is 25 will live to see 100. Likewise, everyone… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I can provide a witness who didn't see me at the scene of the crime. That witness can also prove they didn't… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I tell people she’s a pile of apples, and that I can’t wait to get in cider.” — Jarod Kintz Apples Copy Share Image
“I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.” — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like a friend, if you’re the sort of person who uses their friends. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If you could change War’s name, do you think you’d change its nature?” — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“In the epicenter of Epcot Center you’ll find me hiding, 333 miles away.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I think about all the thinking I’ve done, I get sleepy, like a coffee-colored bear.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just took a shit that smelled like a dentist’s office. Open your mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked my doctor for the best gift ever: Life. Still, he wouldn’t take one for me.” — Jarod Kintz Best gift Copy Share Image
“Mr. Bass, would you say you fish a lot? Or do you prefer strumming stringed instruments?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a stand in for a liar’s face. Go on, punch that liar in his face. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
