“I told her “Have a good weekend.” Then I thought, “Idiot. It’s Sunday night.” — Jarod Kintz Sunday Copy Share Image
“-Is he dead? -Gosh I hope so, because I went to a lot of trouble to dig his grave.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At the bar, I asked her what she’d like to drink, hoping she’d reply, “Your semen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to screw a license plate into your ass. It’ll say HNK F HRNY ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a bag of electric eels sleeping in a lagoon full of goons and legumes. And I can say that with… — Jarod Kintz Confidence Copy Share Image
“I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“Her car is being repaired, so I offered to give her a lift to work tomorrow. I hope she likes piggyback rides.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to live for a very, very long time, but it’s important that I take care of my body. When I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about love is it’ll still be around long after I’m dead. That’s also the worst part.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could help me hold down a job. Hey, in an economy as bad as this, every little bit helps. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a musical instrument. But it would take someone as deaf as Beethoven to enjoy it. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Having a good life doesn’t mean nothing bad happens. It means using sadness and setback as mechanisms for spiritual growth. That’s the… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“I killed a man for his shoes, and then I realized his feet were much smaller than mine. So I walked around… — Jarod Kintz Barefoot Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how… — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“I wrote half this book (the left half) while I was asleep, and I wrote the other half (the top half) while… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Somebody knocked, and I’m glad it wasn’t her. I mean I want her to come, but I thought it was him, so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Awards represent achievement, and to an extent they show more about who you are as a person than the personal items you… — Jarod Kintz Accomplishment Copy Share Image
“I like when wind works. But in this depression, does anything work? If it’s not unemployed, it’s broken. When I hear the… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“I waste more time trying to save time than I would if I were merely inefficient. One woman told me I make… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“However unfortunate you may feel, there are always those less fortunate than you. I’m not talking about the homeless—I’m talking about your… — Jarod Kintz Less fortunate Copy Share Image
“I am cursed. Everybody around me dies. It just might take a hundred years for them to do so.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hung a large pizza over my window, because it was more delicious than curtains.” — Jarod Kintz Pizza Copy Share Image
“I saw you see me like a seesaw, and I knew you were the one to be number two.” — Jarod Kintz Seesaw Copy Share Image
“Boil your drinking water, and drink the water surrounding you in your bathtub.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You don’t have the shadow volume to sit next to me in the sunshine of truth.” — Jarod Kintz Light Copy Share Image
“I try not to sell myself short, unless I’m giving myself a great price on the stuff.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have failed, and I should bury my failure. I need a trowel (it was a small failure).” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“My hero’s hero is not necessarily my hero, unless my clone’s hero is my clone’s clone.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I sleep in a hyperbolic chamber as spacious as the chamber of commerce. That was hyperbole.” — Jarod Kintz Chamber of commerce Copy Share Image
“At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.” — Jarod Kintz Alibi Copy Share Image
