“What I call talking to God, you may call talking to myself. Of course, I’m flattered that you’d think I am God.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love felt like furry sandpaper, would you ever be able to leave my nipples alone? This handyman has a hands-off policy,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gathered all my eggs in one basket, because I believe in collectivism, and I wanted a tyrannical omelet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is yesterday’s tomorrow, minus the frozen musical notes, soggy teabags, and political opposition from your own embryonic offspring.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I notice your absence. I notice your non presence and reflect on the time you were present, in the present, which is… — Jarod Kintz Absence Copy Share Image
“I’m on the road, Butte is 58 miles away, and I’m driving 85 mph. So I should be there in an hour.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d scale the tallest tree, just to surreptitiously watch you sunbathe naked. So the real question is, does that make me romantic—or… — Jarod Kintz Heroic Copy Share Image
“For most Americans, money and calories are always on their minds, although they burn too much of one, and not enough of… — Jarod Kintz Americans Copy Share Image
“I’m so lonely, I just need somebody to call me—even if it’s a wrong number. I’m also hungry, so maybe that caller… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rate his work at four stars. Of course, he is a general, so maybe I could pin my rating on his… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I met a man with no forehead and receding eyebrows. He had ketchup crusted on his eyelids. I can't remember what we… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you carry all my love, it won’t get heavy and make you weak. In fact, my love will give you strength.… — Jarod Kintz Heavy burden Copy Share Image
“I prefer statues silent, rather than of ears with tongues sticking out and licking out loudly.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m thinking of changing my name to “Son of Manana.” Of course it isn’t accurate, because I’m the father of yesterday.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Is something art just because a museum hangs it on their wall? Are you networking just because you’re standing in a crowded… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I want to create a cologne that smells like a whisper. It’ll be for all the secret admirers out there.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In a hotel, the 14th floor is the 13th floor. And no matter how hard you try to hide it, it’s still… — Jarod Kintz Hotel Copy Share Image
“The eyes in the frying pan looked tasty. But as good as they looked, it wasn’t good that they were looking at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last night I stayed up late talking about tomorrow, and today I regret it because I was way off (by about 24 hours).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your words are energy. If you don’t speak them, then you will drink them. Swallow that thought, but do not gargle it. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Albertasauras is named After Alberta, Canada, which is named after Prince Albert, who is named after Orafoura.” — Jarod Kintz Alberta Copy Share Image
“Last night as I was driving home, I ran over a guy in a wheelchair. But it’s OK—he was already paralyzed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn’t get my fingerprints on his fingerprints.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like oysters, and then we ate oysters. Then we made love like two people sitting on opposite ends of… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Smiling is the way the soul says hello. Obviously a frown means goodbye. Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For just over my price range, I can get something way under my quality expectation level. Thanks, inflation!” — Jarod Kintz Inflation Copy Share Image
“The best way to wake up is with coffee and an erection. The cool part is one can stir the other.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I’m going to count to three, and if you’re not on number four by the time I’m done, I’m going to continue… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I would give you all my love, but I’m afraid I’d get nothing in return. And coming from you, nothing is simply… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Woman, I could drown in your love, but I’d much rather be strangled. More passionate, don’t you agree?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to drown in all the ink used to write positive things about my clone and how great he is.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I write like I make love: alone in my bathtub, as I let the fantasy overflow and wash over me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can… — Jarod Kintz Buffet Copy Share Image
“I was eavesdropping, but I was so into what she was saying that when she said, I love you, I almost shouted… — Jarod Kintz Eavesdropping Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: Let’s say we’re making love on the moon, and my clone decides to show up. Would you tell… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to send Satan back from whence he came. But where did he come from? Probably Washington DC. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A high five is a two-person applause. Me and my clone will be excited to clap for you after we present you… — Jarod Kintz Applause Copy Share Image
“Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.” — Jarod Kintz Real man Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in place of a parachute, and a blanket could be used as a permanent wall of a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
