“I am not adventurous, though I can manage to look at and enjoy sunsets. However, sunrises scare me.” — Jarod Kintz Adventure Copy Share Image
“A brick can be used as a nickname for people who are slow, both physically and intellectually. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cats are always there when you need them, asleep, telling you with their body language that they don’t need you.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered "All of them," you should have your genitals ripped out… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Numbers have power. But not enough to supply all the energy for all your daily electrical needs. There’s just not enough strength… — Jarod Kintz Energy Copy Share Image
“I need to call it a night. But only because I don’t know what else to call it. What’s in between evening… — Jarod Kintz Evening Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to believe an eight-foot tall man can come out of a tight vagina. Obviously, mothers of really tall men must… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Writer’s want to write something that’ll live forever. I don’t. What do I care if my writing lives forever if I won’t?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In society’s daylight, black people are invisible. Black people are also invisible at night. Hooray for flashlights!” — Jarod Kintz Black people Copy Share Image
“I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to assure you, I’m not that kind of pervert. But don’t worry, goat lady, there’s somebody for everybody. Or anybody… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Be like a sparrow aspiring to be an ostrich, and I’ll be like a cowboy with no horse looking for a speedy… — Jarod Kintz Bird Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to describe somebody hard and inflexible, and a blanket could be used to describe somebody warm and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a beard of grass. I grew it on my back, and sometimes my neighbor mows it for me. Meow!” — Jarod Kintz Neighbor Copy Share Image
“As long as you are wearing a hat made out of shingles, you’ll always have a roof over your head.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think the best punishment for a misbehaving child is to strap them to a chair and make them listen to Lady… — Jarod Kintz Child Copy Share Image
“I’m tired of calling @PapaJohns. I wish they’d call me for once. I’m starting to think they don’t love me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A meme, what is it? Is it a doubly selfish cultural reference that’s all about me and me (my clone)?” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“He’s half blind,” Orafoura said. “Oh,” I said, “he’s only got one eye? They call that a Cyclops.” “No, he’s got two eyes,”… — Jarod Kintz Blind Copy Share Image
“The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most ducks have legs like orange spatulas. Those must be lazy swimmers. Mine have thighs like Michael Phelps in the summer of 2008.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think ethnic jokes are hilarious, all sorts of ethnic jokes. White, black, Mexican, midget. Maybe midgets are not an ethnicity, but… — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a… — Jarod Kintz Laughter Copy Share Image
“I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born.” — Jarod Kintz Writer Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to wash your hands. And after that, I’d suggest you wash out your filthy mouth. Scrub it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I won’t bring you a single rose to be romantic, but I will point out that our relationship itself is the rose,… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“I want to meet and marry a girl with the same last name as me, so I can show how modern and… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I’m a person, you’re a person, and we should make love. That is, if you’re a person who’s also roughly ½ of… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Birthdays: without them we'd be immortal. But just because you're not immortal, doesn't mean you can't be immature indefinitely.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I have nothing, so I think having something would mean everything to me. But I don’t want to get to the point… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people collect stamps, while I collect letters. My favorite ones are the rare ones, like Q and X.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Leave your village, and conquer yourself before you conquer the world. That’s what I did—I left my village. And once I master… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Water is like love, but love is not like water. No, because if it were, I’d be the camel of love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I called Phil up, but I didn’t call Phillip. He hung up on me, and I’m still hung up about that. To… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Freedom tastes like strawberries, vanilla, and blueberries. And it smells like my armpits. Huff it up, America.” — Jarod Kintz Freedom Copy Share Image
“If I owned a dry cleaners, I’d open at 9 and clothes at 5. Ugh. That pun was spot on. I’ll try… — Jarod Kintz Dry cleaners Copy Share Image
“I want to merge oven mitts with boxing gloves, so I could effectively, and safely, fight fires. After all, fire fighters make… — Jarod Kintz Boxing gloves Copy Share Image
“The man with two plungers for hands never wipes his ass, but he also never clogs up a toilet either.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love body language, because I can speak it without talking, without listening, and while my back is turned.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
