“John Wilkinson invented the horizontal boring machine, and what a boring machine it was! In fact, it’s so boring that I think… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy… — Jarod Kintz Best gift Copy Share Image
“Word of mouth is often louder than word of hand, although applause can be deafening. I clap like Helen Keller drank coffee—with… — Jarod Kintz Applause Copy Share Image
“Yes, life could be better. But it could also be worse. Don’t believe me? Allow me introduce you to my mother-in-law.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Silence is downright noisy when you’re a loud thinker like I am. Alone and quiet, it’s like a networking event in my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always wear gloves when I wash my hands. That’s also how I make love, and if you buy now I’ll throw… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My blanket is a year old. And amazingly, it still purrs just as loud today as it did when it was a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When he misbehaves, I’ll clap and then point at my cat, as if transmitting the sting of the slap towards him in… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Obesity isn't as cool as it used to be, back in the earlier centuries. Before it was a reflection on your gross… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a scapegoat. But don’t blame the brick. The brick didn’t kill my mother-in-law. It was merely… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to tell time. And just between you and me, I hope that brick tells time to go… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“In the future, I’ll be furniture. Step on me now or sit on me later, but either way let me know how… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a doorstop. But why bother? To promote an open-door policy, I had all the walls knocked… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I said it unto him who isn’t, and he wisely said nothing. Sometimes saying nothing is saying more than enough.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t just love you, I love you a 9.7. I would love you a 10, but who do you think you… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is it better to pull someone, or push them to succeed? I have no idea, but will you be my slinky?” — Jarod Kintz Motivational Copy Share Image
“The Italians say “Chow.” To them it means “Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Her clothes were half off—a sale, not a strip tease. Watching her shop was as hot as a fresh cup of coffee,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do you need some birthday dick? I once got dick for my birthday—my first birthday, in fact. That’s how they knew I… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“U2 makes music for guys who have ears and can hear. But U2 makes concert imagery for guys who need visual stimulation… — Jarod Kintz Concerts Copy Share Image
“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.” — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size," and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“After years of searching, I finally found love. I found it in the unlikeliest of places: My best friend’s bed, right after… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“If I could sleep with any literary character, I’d love to sleep with The Cat in the Hat. But don’t tell Cap’n,… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I think you’re funny, and the toilet sounds like a soda can opening when it flushes. It’s a diet soda, so it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I dove in feet first. I like to dive in feet before I dive in hands, because I don’t like feeling like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to do something different, and make a difference in people’s lives. If everyone jumps off a bridge, I’ll be the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be affixed to the collar of my shirt, because I’ve already got the weight of the world on my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A person’s favorite word is brother, because he or she can relate to it. I love it because we value most in… — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five closest friends. Well, I have no… — Jarod Kintz Closest friends Copy Share Image
“Funerals and weddings often take place in the same location. Some would also argue that they sometimes happen at the same time… — Jarod Kintz Funeral Copy Share Image
“The phrase “Rat you out” is offensive because it’s not offensive enough. It should be “Politician you out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not true I think all politicians are morons. Morons are far too intelligent to be politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His face is so chiseled and angular that if he stood on the street corner and blushed, oncoming traffic would come to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
