“A cat purring on your lap while you sip hot tea, is there anything better? Oh, and you’re floating in a zero… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“Love is a boomerang dripped in honey, in that it emanates from me just as surely as it will return to me.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to improve the quality of your trumpet playing. Wrap the blanket tightly around and in the horn… — Jarod Kintz Trumpet Copy Share Image
“While I've never read Scientific American, I'll bet it is pretty scientific. And American. Just like those prehistoric cave drawings in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick wall Copy Share Image
“I’ve got semen stains on my shirt, and spaghetti stains on my underwear. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“When I turn thirty, in thirty days or so, I might be feeling old, so I’ll probably call my grandma up, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I broke down when we broke up, but I didn’t break in to her house just to break out of my routine.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He was a man I came to respect. Not because he wore Ziploc bags for socks (he had sweaty feet), but because… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“The ultimate weapon is Lady Gaga’s music. Why kill the enemy when you can play her music and they’ll want to kill… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather jump in a tank with a tiger shark than make love to his right hand. I don’t care if he… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I'd reply, "Why thank you. I think I will!” — Jarod Kintz Hermaphrodite Copy Share Image
“I have a secret secret admirer. Not only is her identity a secret—but so is the fact that she admires me. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Never sit on a freshly painted bench, or stand on a wet wall. That’s a lesson in love I had to learn… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m stronger than a pack of crackers and a pack of midgets, but not the PAC 12. PAC 11, maybe, but not 12.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An ideal first date should involve things like a candle-lit dinner, soft music, and a binary anal defibrillator, with a guest appearance… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is the sound of footsteps behind you in a dark hallway. Why does it seem like I’m walking on grass, rather… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used to think I knew what love was, but here recently it has been revealed to me that what I thought… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my love could be represented by a blur, it would be the beating of a hummingbird’s wings. Did you know that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I suggested to her that she start writing. "I can't write at all," she said. "Neither can many bestsellers," I replied. "But… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“I could be the man of your dreams. I could also be the alarm clock, stealing you away from the man of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Critique my better work only, because I want to get better from my best, not better from my worst.” — Jarod Kintz Critique Copy Share Image
“Ireland is probably named the “Emerald Isle” because there are lots of precious stones found there, such as sapphires and rubies.” — Jarod Kintz Ireland Copy Share Image
“I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.” — Jarod Kintz Condo Copy Share Image
“Is it any wonder that war is senseless? It’s started by politicians. As a class, politicians have no class, and even less… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If anybody can appreciate fine music, it's me. I mean who else can hit multiple octaves with their armpits?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many midgets does it take to take over the world? I’m not sure, but I’d guess twice as many.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A follow-up letter is best when not written on the back of a suicide note. Remember this next time you’re at a… — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“Why do old people drive slow? They have the least amount of time left on earth, so you’d think they’d drive the… — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I plugged the hole up with my thumb, so at least I wouldn’t sink. But it was really uncomfortable floating on that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m sad that I’m leaving, but I’m happy that I’m going. The thing is, I am in love, and I’m going to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll make a name for myself, after I make a copy of myself. The key to a productive life is cloning.” — Jarod Kintz Cloning Copy Share Image
“Mouths are longer than they are wide, to ensure words don’t come out sideways. Even the word “sideways” comes out straight.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I cried at the funeral. It wasn’t because I loved her, it was because I was there, in the front pew at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
