“Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Alzheimer’s is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“While I’m no Major League Baseball prospect, I have thrown a few no-hitters in my day. And not only were there no… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.” — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“I plant the “flag” in camouflage, though you couldn’t see by looking at it. (I hide behind my patriotism, and I hide… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Which is more valuable into showing how I think: the order I think of things, or the order in which I arrange… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as motivation to acquire more bricks. Hey, I’m just trying to help here. Don’t shut me out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drew a portrait of an invisible man on a nice canvas, because that's all you see. Oh, and I used a… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“The patrons aren’t patronizing the store, and it’s not just the economy that’s keeping them out—it’s that nobody here likes to be… — Jarod Kintz Patronizing Copy Share Image
“Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I loved her so much, but she vanished from my life. She didn’t just suddenly disappear, but she slowly began losing her… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The most the average person probably reads in a day is a STOP sign or two. And based on how people drive… — Jarod Kintz Average person Copy Share Image
“I met a guy who had an interesting job. He was a meat cutter, or a meat slicer, something like that. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My book is a light read. Seriously, it probably weighs 3.33 ounces. That’s pretty impressive, considering it’s an ebook.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I ended up with the nomination, and the breasts to back up the voter’s confidence in me as a woman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be hidden in the dirt, for future archaeologists to dig up and declare, “Wow! This was one advanced society.” ” — Jarod Kintz Archaeologists Copy Share Image
“If green is envy and blue is depression, then I’m feeling quite turquoise right now. But maybe with a little luck, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yesterday I went to see a doctor. I woke up with a sore throat, congested sinuses, and invisibility. But when I got… — Jarod Kintz Doctor Copy Share Image
“If you were to ask me what kind of musical sound I aspire to produce, that noise would be a wet nipple… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I wish to report an attempted murder—on my clone. Someone tried to drink my semen out of beaker number two.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two days from now I invented a time travel machine out of my neighbor’s washing machine. I can’t go back yet, as… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“Last week I was very ill. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. Which is great, because before I felt like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The sun is a flower, and it burns my goddamn nostrils like the scent of love, which I haven’t tasted since I… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“I don’t believe in astronomy. Or is it astrology? I always get those two confused. But I’ll tell you, that Copernicus was… — Jarod Kintz Astrology Copy Share Image
“The government wants to be aware of all your movements—probably including your bowel movements. Ain’t that some shit?” — Jarod Kintz Bowel movements Copy Share Image
“A brick can be neither good nor bad. A brick just is. And it isn’t, because I just stole it from you,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t put my name and address on the return address section of an envelope. I simply write “Surprise!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I converted my mechanical toothbrush into an electric screwdriver. Now it more comfortably fits the contours of my urethra.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have two problems with hard labor: hard and labor. I prefer soft, and I’d prefer not giving birth.” — Jarod Kintz Giving birth Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I still get the urge to stuff asparagus up my nostrils, even though I don't like the way it makes my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“During conversation, I have no problem making eye contact—with myself in the mirror. Or with my clone, if he’s not rolling his… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I went to school to be a comedian. I was always cracking jokes in class. And after they were cracked, the teacher… — Jarod Kintz Teacher Copy Share Image
“When I sing, it sounds like I’m gargling spaghetti. Is it any wonder that women lust after me and mail me their… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t sell you while you’re trying to sell me. So how about we just talk and call it networking?” — Jarod Kintz Networking Copy Share Image
“When you pee in the sink, you don’t have to flush. Your hands are also right there, so you have no excuse… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted,… — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is always there when you don’t need it, and when you need it and it’s not there, well, that’s what hookers… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If somebody kills me, at least I won’t be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis.” — Jarod Kintz Alibis Copy Share Image
