“I’m angry as hell. I’m angry for all the people who should be angry but aren’t, either because they’re too stupid or… — Jarod Kintz Angry Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in place of a diamond on a wedding ring. Your wife's probably going to divorce you and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I added three letters to my resume. No, not MBA or PhD. I added ZXQ, because those are the rarest letters, so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love ebooks. I love the idea of storing books in “The Cloud”, because honestly, reading and rainy days go together like… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“What’s next to my bed? One night stand, though personally I find them morally outrageous, not to mention the danger from STDs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I keep my love in the trunk. And I drive slowly over speed bumps, so she doesn’t bump her head around.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I have seen the deadly effects of love first hand, and I have seen them with my second hand (the left one).” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A burial should be more than a fire pit, arena seating, and a squirming politician strapped to a pile of wood. There… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
No matter how much water a sink takes on, it never lives up to its name. The Titanic would never have sunk… — Jarod Kintz River Copy Share Image
“It's really hard to drive, talk on the phone, and jack off at the same time. And, amazingly, nobody in the back… — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“A haunted house could be used to teach the value of valuelessness to a group of zeroes. What else could appreciate a… — Jarod Kintz Ghost Copy Share Image
“The business of business is people, not products or services. Take care of the people, and the people will take care of… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“He’s a year shorter than me, but he’s a foot younger. I love him like the brother of an only child.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.” — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“I remember the good old days. You must remember the good old days, because they were the days with the long white… — Jarod Kintz Good old days Copy Share Image
“I’m hungry but I won’t order 18 tubs of ketchup and a spoon. No, I’ll order it because I’m thirsty, and I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a porch light, I’d be the moth. And you’d be the freshly-pressed pants I’m dying to eat.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my height in age. A leopard was also spotted. ” — Jarod Kintz Older woman Copy Share Image
“I want to meet the girl of my dreams, and then immediately try to sleep with her—for between six to eight hours.” — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“The couch was wide enough for two, but I sat in it alone. Was I obese in body—or skinny in love?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“My mom and dad died, but in their place I got a house of fog that’s easy to hide my feelings in.… — Jarod Kintz Dad died Copy Share Image
“I was hoping you’d leave the back door open for me, I said as he turned around to bend over and pick… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriends Copy Share Image
“Helping others without anticipating or expecting others to help you in return, that is the path to spiritual prosperity.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like Tuesday at noon, even though it was Thursday at 3:00, and then again at 3:03. (I have the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Death is like bedtime—we all want to put it off until tomorrow. But when you’re going to bed, I’m just getting up,… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I have a "Waiter, there's a hair in my soup" dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“Here in Jacksonville there’s a road called Commonwealth Blvd., and today as I was driving on it, I realized how socialist the… — Jarod Kintz Socialist Copy Share Image
“When I think of the Middle Ages I think of castles, Catholicism, and taking your kids to soccer practice.” — Jarod Kintz Middle ages Copy Share Image
“A brick can’t cure cancer. But who knows, maybe a brick combined with a blanket could. I’ll have to ask Dr. Burzynski… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as disbelief. I can tell you believe me, so why don’t you go ahead and hold this… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.” — Jarod Kintz Bad government Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to protect your heart from heartbreak. Keep your heart warm, because if your heart grows as cold… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Tell me naughty things while I jack off. Say anything freaky, but don’t mention finance or economics. That’s just too kinky.” — Jarod Kintz Economics Copy Share Image
“I don't think any man could solve the world's problems overnight, myself included. You'd better give me at least two days.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
