“I booked a table for two at a five-star restaurant. Rebecca couldn’t make it, because at the last minute I backed out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A manmade waterfall that was half man, half waterfall would have a hard time going upstairs. Thank God for waterproof elevators!” — Jarod Kintz Hard time Copy Share Image
“My clones better not wear invisible cloaks. How am I supposed to find myself as a person if I can’t even find… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“My goal is to have the most and the best of what I desire. And since I desire clones, I have to… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a… — Jarod Kintz Celebrity Copy Share Image
“Because of the age difference, I assumed they were related, mother/daughter. But they weren’t. They were father/son/possible lovers.” — Jarod Kintz Age difference Copy Share Image
“I’ll give you a treat to get in your cage. I’m rewarding you for punishing you. Who am I? If you guessed… — Jarod Kintz Dog Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Poor Chad. Not the country, but the guy. Oh, and the country’s poor too. I feel so bad for Chad. I also… — Jarod Kintz Chad Copy Share Image
“If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for… — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“I make love like a lump of cold oatmeal. I apologize if that mental image excites you and makes you hunger for… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I sell black markers on the black market. I am personally responsible for 50% of all truck stop urinal poetry.” — Jarod Kintz Investing Copy Share Image
“Gather the wheelchairs in a circle, and then summon the cripples. Would anybody care for a glass of discrimination?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls.” — Jarod Kintz Desire Copy Share Image
“A blanket is a blank canvas for which to paint. And a brick could be chiseled into a sculpture. ” — Jarod Kintz Blank canvas Copy Share Image
“I am the sphinx of love. But I didn’t used to be. I used to be a sphink—which has the head of… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I drink coffee like a civilized man—alone in a cave, wearing a loincloth, and grunting in frustration because my club is too… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“My asshole is supportive of me. No matter what, good or bad, it’s always right there behind me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not a king, but you can call me His Royal Hoorayness. If you did that, I’d be excited enough to deserve… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Labels are necessary, for dating purposes. I’m not talking about gay versus straight. I’m talking about milk versus its expiration.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a Red Beard Replacement, for those of us who can’t grow facial hair, but desire the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Having sex on a motorcycle wouldn’t only be exciting, it’d be dangerous. What if while we were parked we got broadsided by… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We’re distant cousins. He’s my first cousin, but he’s 5,000 miles away. And he doesn’t talk much.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re wrestling someone underwater, don’t try to choke them, because it’s redundant since they already can’t breathe.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Burn my eyebrows and call me Bette. But if I’ve got eyebrows, don’t call me Bette—call me Davis. Then let’s make love… — Jarod Kintz Sister Copy Share Image
“I’ll never be as old as someone older than me, but I can be older than them if I outlive their lifespan.” — Jarod Kintz Lifespan Copy Share Image
“Just because you don’t have an arrest record doesn’t mean you’re not a criminal. As proof, note some of the cleanest rap… — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“How to grow up slowly and secretly, not all at once like lunch in a condom, that is the essence of politics.… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I should invent a stationary bike/electrical generator/phonograph player, so that when the grid goes down I will have motivation to exercise for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.” — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“I watch basketball like I watch baseball: I don’t. I’d much rather watch grass grow. Actually, golf isn’t that bad.” — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“The clouds rolled over the hills like a pack of midgets wearing gray togas somersaulting in unison, and I thought it’s a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Here's a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, "Obsession." Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,… — Jarod Kintz Haiku Copy Share Image
“I’d never own a Hooters, because while I may be the face of the franchise, people only ever look at the breasts.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
