“Cher and share alike. At least in sound. Most of the decisions I make are sound, exactly like Beethoven when he wrote… — Jarod Kintz Song Copy Share Image
“It’s important that my socks match. I don’t want anything that distracts from my sock puppet show. Quiet, now! Show starts in… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I told her I'd rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know… — Jarod Kintz Meteorologist Copy Share Image
“If I see a homeless person begging for change, I might give them money, if they’ve got change for a nickel.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you… — Jarod Kintz First sight Copy Share Image
“I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.” — Jarod Kintz Self conscious Copy Share Image
“I keep butter in my underwear, because it’s like a meat locker down there. Can I interest you in two rolls of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“-I don’t want you to do anything. -Well then I won’t do anything. -Thank you. -Doing nothing, it’s the least I can… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Drinking coffee is like drinking an inverse yawn. I prefer mine with two spoonfuls of “I’m listening.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn’t leave their wallets… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I won’t tell you my name, but I will give you a number that describes me: 4. One a 1-10 scale, I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to represent my feelings for you. I think it’s slightly more communicative than me giving you a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I asked God to see into the future 50 years, and I couldn’t see myself, I wouldn’t assume I was dead.… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like the Romans used Greek gods. Still, if you want my honest opinion, I’d rather pray to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I… — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“I don’t get the phrase, “Cut to the chase.” When I’m exasperated with all the verbal running around and skirting the issue,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“(Picture of a pirate standing on a treasure chest) It's not about the chest, it's all about the booty.” — Jarod Kintz Pirate Copy Share Image
A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. Thats why I travel with a fishing pole, and erectile dysfunction medicine. — Jarod Kintz Fishing Copy Share Image
“Who stole my stew? I left it sitting in my stomach while I went to the bathroom, and when I came out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t care if I’m on the moon, the party is on the sun, and I am an albino, you should still… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pluto will always be a planet in my book. That’s because my book was published before Pluto was blacklisted by planetary scientists.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“My bed’s as big as a medium-sized apartment in New York City. And my erection is equal to a small.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If the man of your dreams existed in two dimensions only, would you try to print duplicates of… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Don’t just stand there with your Eiffel Tower smile. Tell me you love me, and tell me in French. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I rearranged the letters of the word “Wisdom” and got “swimod.” Afterwards I felt like I was drowning in foolishness.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yesterday I played a round of golf. I just kept hitting the ball in circles, but never getting it in the circles… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to make life easier. Start carrying one around with you everywhere you go, and you’ll see what… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a social outcast, shunned by society. Nobody ever invites me to parties. My own birthday avoids me, and only comes… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“His first name is Brooks, but his last name isn’t. His last name is Wrinkled, unlike his shirt (he isn’t wearing one).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Should I masturbate before we meet up? I don’t want to be horny and thinking with my dick the whole time. I… — Jarod Kintz Interview Copy Share Image
“An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just finish packing up the last of the… — Jarod Kintz Memory Copy Share Image
“I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“In my view, a Cyclops is halfway to being blind. Love sees all. When someone insults me and I go silent, I’m… — Jarod Kintz Blind Copy Share Image
“I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I need to get a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked if I could draw on her face, because not only was her head globe-shaped, but her nose was shaped like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I want to do something for a living that when it comes time to retire and I can stop doing it, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Free time Copy Share Image
“I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
