“Last night as I was driving home, I ran over a guy in a wheelchair. But it’s OK—he was already paralyzed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Smiling is the way the soul says hello. Obviously a frown means goodbye. Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For just over my price range, I can get something way under my quality expectation level. Thanks, inflation!” — Jarod Kintz Inflation Copy Share Image
“The best way to wake up is with coffee and an erection. The cool part is one can stir the other.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“We made love like oysters, and then we ate oysters. Then we made love like two people sitting on opposite ends of… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I’m going to count to three, and if you’re not on number four by the time I’m done, I’m going to continue… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I would give you all my love, but I’m afraid I’d get nothing in return. And coming from you, nothing is simply… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Woman, I could drown in your love, but I’d much rather be strangled. More passionate, don’t you agree?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can… — Jarod Kintz Buffet Copy Share Image
“I want to drown in all the ink used to write positive things about my clone and how great he is.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I write like I make love: alone in my bathtub, as I let the fantasy overflow and wash over me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: Let’s say we’re making love on the moon, and my clone decides to show up. Would you tell… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to send Satan back from whence he came. But where did he come from? Probably Washington DC. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was eavesdropping, but I was so into what she was saying that when she said, I love you, I almost shouted… — Jarod Kintz Eavesdropping Copy Share Image
“A high five is a two-person applause. Me and my clone will be excited to clap for you after we present you… — Jarod Kintz Applause Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in place of a parachute, and a blanket could be used as a permanent wall of a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.” — Jarod Kintz Real man Copy Share Image
“I am not adventurous, though I can manage to look at and enjoy sunsets. However, sunrises scare me.” — Jarod Kintz Adventure Copy Share Image
“A brick can be used as a nickname for people who are slow, both physically and intellectually. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love with my eyes closed, because I make love in my dreams. If you wanted to go for seconds, we… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“After a few years of not talking, I tried reaching out to my father, but by that time he was already a… — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“I make my own cologne. It’s called “Sweat,” and it’s hard work making it. But I can tell people love it, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The sign said don’t do it, so naturally I did it. Signs are always saying stuff in a silent way. Writing is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wash my hands twice in the bathroom—once before I touch my penis, and once again after I rinse off my hands… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could never be a chef, because I could ‘t bare the thought of my art always turning to shit.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I am a superhero! I wear Spandex and I save things. I don’t save people, I save money. My weapon is a… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“In a battle, an army of farts would surely beat an army of noses, even if those noses were armed with fingers… — Jarod Kintz Boogers Copy Share Image
“When I was two, a year was half of my life. It must have felt like forever. But when I’m 99, a… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The future is right around the corner from a bar called, “Yesterdays.” I know, I work there every tomorrow.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What if a statue of me walked past my clone frozen in thought? Which one of the two would make a better… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His breath smelled like a one-inch tall man wearing stinky socks used his tongue as a treadmill. Talking to him only reminded… — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“If you need me I’ll be napping in the supplies closet. The most important part of an attack is the planning.” — Jarod Kintz Napping Copy Share Image
“The flashing black line on an empty Word document reminds me that my life is counting down second by second, and that… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Pizza as a reward at work, gotta love it. Personally, I'd rather have that than a raise. Give me a pizza, boss,… — Jarod Kintz Boss Copy Share Image
“Flower coffee—less caffeinated, more romantic. I wanted to be with her, but when I was, I felt like I’d rather wither.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“Dogs are exceptionally intelligent creatures. My dog, for example, taught me that not only am I a cat person, but that it… — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“A blank canvas is so abstract that only imagination can fill it. But wait! Don't hang it on the wall like that.… — Jarod Kintz Artist Copy Share Image
“The best thing my grandpa ever said to me was, “Gladys, bring me some more damn soup.” Well, maybe he wasn’t talking… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I won’t pick up your bad habits. They look heavy and I’ve got a bad back. Plus, I have my own bad… — Jarod Kintz Bad habit Copy Share Image
