“He was thoughtless, not because he was insensitive, but because I had just eaten his brain and his skull was empty.” — Jarod Kintz Insensitive Copy Share Image
“Love is you wearing her favorite shirt of yours, just like you did yesterday and the day before. And the day before… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is actually in the middle… — Jarod Kintz Body Copy Share Image
“I think Gummy Bears should be the universal symbol for peace, because peace leads to prosperity, prosperity leads to decadence, and decadence… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Shakespeare asked what’s in a name. Well, each of my clones won’t be named the same as me, but they’ll be me… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Weeping willows remind me of summer. And sadness. I wonder if tissues are made out of their trunks.” — Jarod Kintz Weeping willows Copy Share Image
“I wasn’t dead, I was asleep. There’s a difference, however slight. That subtle difference is between being a stiff and having a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a suit, you should still invite me swimming. That’s the naked truth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I booked a table for two at a five-star restaurant. Rebecca couldn’t make it, because at the last minute I backed out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket isn’t the solution, a blanket is the problem. I say we burn all the blankets, along with the bodies of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A manmade waterfall that was half man, half waterfall would have a hard time going upstairs. Thank God for waterproof elevators!” — Jarod Kintz Hard time Copy Share Image
“My clones better not wear invisible cloaks. How am I supposed to find myself as a person if I can’t even find… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a… — Jarod Kintz Celebrity Copy Share Image
“My goal is to have the most and the best of what I desire. And since I desire clones, I have to… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“Because of the age difference, I assumed they were related, mother/daughter. But they weren’t. They were father/son/possible lovers.” — Jarod Kintz Age difference Copy Share Image
“Poor Chad. Not the country, but the guy. Oh, and the country’s poor too. I feel so bad for Chad. I also… — Jarod Kintz Chad Copy Share Image
“I’ll give you a treat to get in your cage. I’m rewarding you for punishing you. Who am I? If you guessed… — Jarod Kintz Dog Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for… — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“I sell black markers on the black market. I am personally responsible for 50% of all truck stop urinal poetry.” — Jarod Kintz Investing Copy Share Image
“I make love like a lump of cold oatmeal. I apologize if that mental image excites you and makes you hunger for… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Gather the wheelchairs in a circle, and then summon the cripples. Would anybody care for a glass of discrimination?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls.” — Jarod Kintz Desire Copy Share Image
“A blanket is a blank canvas for which to paint. And a brick could be chiseled into a sculpture. ” — Jarod Kintz Blank canvas Copy Share Image
“I am the sphinx of love. But I didn’t used to be. I used to be a sphink—which has the head of… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I drink coffee like a civilized man—alone in a cave, wearing a loincloth, and grunting in frustration because my club is too… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“Cats are always there when you need them, asleep, telling you with their body language that they don’t need you.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered "All of them," you should have your genitals ripped out… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I need to call it a night. But only because I don’t know what else to call it. What’s in between evening… — Jarod Kintz Evening Copy Share Image
“Numbers have power. But not enough to supply all the energy for all your daily electrical needs. There’s just not enough strength… — Jarod Kintz Energy Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to believe an eight-foot tall man can come out of a tight vagina. Obviously, mothers of really tall men must… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Writer’s want to write something that’ll live forever. I don’t. What do I care if my writing lives forever if I won’t?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In society’s daylight, black people are invisible. Black people are also invisible at night. Hooray for flashlights!” — Jarod Kintz Black people Copy Share Image
“I have a beard of grass. I grew it on my back, and sometimes my neighbor mows it for me. Meow!” — Jarod Kintz Neighbor Copy Share Image
“I want to assure you, I’m not that kind of pervert. But don’t worry, goat lady, there’s somebody for everybody. Or anybody… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Be like a sparrow aspiring to be an ostrich, and I’ll be like a cowboy with no horse looking for a speedy… — Jarod Kintz Bird Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to describe somebody hard and inflexible, and a blanket could be used to describe somebody warm and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
