“I’ve got an up-to-the-minute block of 60 seconds. It’s on the kitchen counter thawing out at this very moment.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I shaved my mustache off the asphalt, like a tire’s skid mark, looped it around itself, and rode it like a unicycle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If I can delay your action with my inaction, then Ill gladly do nothing for the good of the no good. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For being so ugly, I think God should reward me handsomely. He should give me the tender hands of a lover—and not… — Jarod Kintz God Copy Share Image
“I still remember my middle school locker combination. Maybe I should go back to my old locker to see if I left… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I thought it was a tree log, but it was just an erect elephant penis. But that didn’t stop me from trying… — Jarod Kintz Campfire Copy Share Image
“If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in coffee stains, because Helen Keller is my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For men, money, like sex, is something that nearly everybody wants more of, and unless you are famous or influential, you probably… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“If love had four legs and fur, would you try to pet it, chase it, or serve it up as chicken lo… — Jarod Kintz Chopsticks Copy Share Image
“From afar they looked like sexy legs, until I got closer and saw they belonged to a man, not an Amanda.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for… — Jarod Kintz Moon Copy Share Image
“Sure, I’d fake my own death. But only if I had the following items: duct tape, seven slinkies, a parachute, and a… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“If I had a hand for a penis, would a hand job be appropriate in place of a handshake at business meetings? ” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I sneezed into the wind, and closed my eyes and imagined my face was barraged by cool ocean spray.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Clones: Why should you take the blame for your mistakes when there’s a genetic replica of yourself that’d make a perfectly good… — Jarod Kintz Scapegoat Copy Share Image
“A part-time worker is fully employed, half the time. In other words, they are part-time unemployees.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My mouth is often wounded by my sharp words, so sometimes when I’m out in public, I’ll wear a large Band Aid… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Since pigs are anatomically similar to humans, dissecting one must be like cutting up a midget. And I haven’t done that since… — Jarod Kintz Dissecting Copy Share Image
“My last phone call was totally uncalled for. Well, not totally. More like 99.88% uncalled for.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is as loud as it can be while still being silent. Would you describe our relationship as Helen Kelleresque” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I… — Jarod Kintz Ashtray Copy Share Image
“Orafoura once asked me how I became who I've become, and I replied, "I was born to become. And I became because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“AI doesn't take any breaks. Plus, AI won't file sexual harassment charges when your boss flirts with it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Lost dog. Looks like a chicken. If found, do not attempt to feed it scrambled eggs for breakfast. You’ll offend it just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal… — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“Governments are nothing more than elaborate Rube Goldberg apparatuses, operating with absurd inefficiency. Why walk ten steps when you can make it… — Jarod Kintz Governments Copy Share Image
“A brick could be laid on a blanket, so the blanket doesn’t blow away. But why would the blanket blow away? I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just one simple word choice directed at me can throw me into a bad mood and make me believe there’s tension between… — Jarod Kintz Bad mood Copy Share Image
“Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a… — Jarod Kintz Mirrored Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to neatly pack your suitcase. It would promote personal strength and frugality. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A book is a vacation for the mind. My books will take you inside my mind, so feel free to make yourself… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“If I had a street named after me, I’d carry that around instead of a driver’s license for ID. You are what’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After a lot of stalling and posturing, I finally admitted I had feelings for her. Most notably I felt anger and resentment,… — Jarod Kintz Anger and resentment Copy Share Image
“The profit was five, split evenly between the two of us, which meant that my fair share was three. (2.5 rounded off is 3.)” — Jarod Kintz Fair share Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to sell new shoes to a man with no hands. I would say a brick could be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If flip flops were oppressive, I wouldn't wear any. I'd go around showing of my bare feet of freedom. And I'd tell… — Jarod Kintz Bare feet Copy Share Image
“In a victory speech, I like to thank the opposition, because without their help, I couldn’t have won.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“My voice is raspy, like Rasputin’s beard. My love is like a mustache hidden in a patch of armpit hair. Come, feel… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
