“On is to no, as Dora J. Arod is to Dora J. Arod. And brick is to blanket, as Dora J. Arod… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Somebody took my bicycle tire, my bicycle seat, and both my pedals. They stole my whole unicycle!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to sell tickets to a new sport called Glurping. If you think it sounds disgusting now, wait… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If trees had love, instead of leaves, I’d gladly rake you into a pile on my lawn and fall into you.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to offset things likely to set you off. When you start to get hot, just wrap yourself… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream where I lost Cap’n among the hundreds of black and white cats and they all looked nearly identical… — Jarod Kintz Black and white Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to suffocate our secret desires. And what do I secretly desire? I desire suffocation, and that is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My asshole is supportive of me. No matter what, good or bad, it’s always right there behind me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Labels are necessary, for dating purposes. I’m not talking about gay versus straight. I’m talking about milk versus its expiration.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I’m not a king, but you can call me His Royal Hoorayness. If you did that, I’d be excited enough to deserve… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Having sex on a motorcycle wouldn’t only be exciting, it’d be dangerous. What if while we were parked we got broadsided by… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a Red Beard Replacement, for those of us who can’t grow facial hair, but desire the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We’re distant cousins. He’s my first cousin, but he’s 5,000 miles away. And he doesn’t talk much.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re wrestling someone underwater, don’t try to choke them, because it’s redundant since they already can’t breathe.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Burn my eyebrows and call me Bette. But if I’ve got eyebrows, don’t call me Bette—call me Davis. Then let’s make love… — Jarod Kintz Sister Copy Share Image
“The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just because you don’t have an arrest record doesn’t mean you’re not a criminal. As proof, note some of the cleanest rap… — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“I’ll never be as old as someone older than me, but I can be older than them if I outlive their lifespan.” — Jarod Kintz Lifespan Copy Share Image
“How to grow up slowly and secretly, not all at once like lunch in a condom, that is the essence of politics.… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I should invent a stationary bike/electrical generator/phonograph player, so that when the grid goes down I will have motivation to exercise for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.” — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“The clouds rolled over the hills like a pack of midgets wearing gray togas somersaulting in unison, and I thought it’s a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I watch basketball like I watch baseball: I don’t. I’d much rather watch grass grow. Actually, golf isn’t that bad.” — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“Here's a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, "Obsession." Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,… — Jarod Kintz Haiku Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d never own a Hooters, because while I may be the face of the franchise, people only ever look at the breasts.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love felt like furry sandpaper, would you ever be able to leave my nipples alone? This handyman has a hands-off policy,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What I call talking to God, you may call talking to myself. Of course, I’m flattered that you’d think I am God.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gathered all my eggs in one basket, because I believe in collectivism, and I wanted a tyrannical omelet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I notice your absence. I notice your non presence and reflect on the time you were present, in the present, which is… — Jarod Kintz Absence Copy Share Image
“Love is yesterday’s tomorrow, minus the frozen musical notes, soggy teabags, and political opposition from your own embryonic offspring.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m on the road, Butte is 58 miles away, and I’m driving 85 mph. So I should be there in an hour.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For most Americans, money and calories are always on their minds, although they burn too much of one, and not enough of… — Jarod Kintz Americans Copy Share Image
“I’d scale the tallest tree, just to surreptitiously watch you sunbathe naked. So the real question is, does that make me romantic—or… — Jarod Kintz Heroic Copy Share Image
“I’m so lonely, I just need somebody to call me—even if it’s a wrong number. I’m also hungry, so maybe that caller… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Are you an Is there? or a There isn’t! kind of person? I’m more of an Is there isn’t? kind of guy.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put tin foil on our relationship and stuck it in the fridge, because it needed to cool down a bit.” — Jarod Kintz Foil Copy Share Image
