“I think the best punishment for a misbehaving child is to strap them to a chair and make them listen to Lady… — Jarod Kintz Child Copy Share Image
“I’m tired of calling @PapaJohns. I wish they’d call me for once. I’m starting to think they don’t love me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As long as you are wearing a hat made out of shingles, you’ll always have a roof over your head.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A meme, what is it? Is it a doubly selfish cultural reference that’s all about me and me (my clone)?” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“He’s half blind,” Orafoura said. “Oh,” I said, “he’s only got one eye? They call that a Cyclops.” “No, he’s got two eyes,”… — Jarod Kintz Blind Copy Share Image
“Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a… — Jarod Kintz Laughter Copy Share Image
“I think ethnic jokes are hilarious, all sorts of ethnic jokes. White, black, Mexican, midget. Maybe midgets are not an ethnicity, but… — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“Most ducks have legs like orange spatulas. Those must be lazy swimmers. Mine have thighs like Michael Phelps in the summer of 2008.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to wash your hands. And after that, I’d suggest you wash out your filthy mouth. Scrub it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I won’t bring you a single rose to be romantic, but I will point out that our relationship itself is the rose,… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born.” — Jarod Kintz Writer Copy Share Image
“I want to meet and marry a girl with the same last name as me, so I can show how modern and… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“Birthdays: without them we'd be immortal. But just because you're not immortal, doesn't mean you can't be immature indefinitely.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I’m a person, you’re a person, and we should make love. That is, if you’re a person who’s also roughly ½ of… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I have nothing, so I think having something would mean everything to me. But I don’t want to get to the point… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people collect stamps, while I collect letters. My favorite ones are the rare ones, like Q and X.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Water is like love, but love is not like water. No, because if it were, I’d be the camel of love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Freedom tastes like strawberries, vanilla, and blueberries. And it smells like my armpits. Huff it up, America.” — Jarod Kintz Freedom Copy Share Image
“I called Phil up, but I didn’t call Phillip. He hung up on me, and I’m still hung up about that. To… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Leave your village, and conquer yourself before you conquer the world. That’s what I did—I left my village. And once I master… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to merge oven mitts with boxing gloves, so I could effectively, and safely, fight fires. After all, fire fighters make… — Jarod Kintz Boxing gloves Copy Share Image
“If I owned a dry cleaners, I’d open at 9 and clothes at 5. Ugh. That pun was spot on. I’ll try… — Jarod Kintz Dry cleaners Copy Share Image
“The man with two plungers for hands never wipes his ass, but he also never clogs up a toilet either.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love body language, because I can speak it without talking, without listening, and while my back is turned.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“I’d rate his work at four stars. Of course, he is a general, so maybe I could pin my rating on his… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I met a man with no forehead and receding eyebrows. He had ketchup crusted on his eyelids. I can't remember what we… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you carry all my love, it won’t get heavy and make you weak. In fact, my love will give you strength.… — Jarod Kintz Heavy burden Copy Share Image
“I prefer statues silent, rather than of ears with tongues sticking out and licking out loudly.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m thinking of changing my name to “Son of Manana.” Of course it isn’t accurate, because I’m the father of yesterday.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“In a hotel, the 14th floor is the 13th floor. And no matter how hard you try to hide it, it’s still… — Jarod Kintz Hotel Copy Share Image
“Is something art just because a museum hangs it on their wall? Are you networking just because you’re standing in a crowded… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I want to create a cologne that smells like a whisper. It’ll be for all the secret admirers out there.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your words are energy. If you don’t speak them, then you will drink them. Swallow that thought, but do not gargle it. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Albertasauras is named After Alberta, Canada, which is named after Prince Albert, who is named after Orafoura.” — Jarod Kintz Alberta Copy Share Image
“The eyes in the frying pan looked tasty. But as good as they looked, it wasn’t good that they were looking at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last night I stayed up late talking about tomorrow, and today I regret it because I was way off (by about 24 hours).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn’t get my fingerprints on his fingerprints.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
