“It’s still masturbation if your clone gives you a hand job. It’s also a lot like being a member of Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I want a trophy that has atrophy—where the maquette on top isn’t sculpted metal, but rather a flaccid sack of jelly that… — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“In complete silence you can’t hear a thing. Just ask a deaf person—but ask them with your fingers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Fried Quiero Loud Babcock (not bad cock), and I am here for the ranch dressing your father promised my father,… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“I called, but the phones were all tied up. And so were the operators who normally answer them. Some were even gagged… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a free lunch. You won’t find any in this life, because I had yours for breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is a one foot by one foot piece of cloth a blanket? What about if you rotate it all over your body… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache,… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I wish I had been born with cat fur, whiskers, and a tail, though I guess I am grateful that at… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They say a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm. And you can’t fake a sneeze. Maybe that’s why I like sneezing into… — Jarod KIntz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to dink like a dunk, if the thunk of the think has enough verticalocity to it. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wrapped inside one is love. Wrapped inside another is hate. What do you think is wrapped inside the third? If you answered… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I’ll get a gift for you, but I’ll give it to someone else to give to you, so that it’s like I’m… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“I carry all of my childhood memories in my mind. But maybe that’s not the best place for them. Well, you’ve got… — Jarod Kintz Childhood memories Copy Share Image
The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn't around to propose to her. — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I should be a coach, because when my players win, I win. But when my players lose, what a bunch of losers… — Jarod Kintz Coach Copy Share Image
“The difference between noon and midnight is the same as the separation between sex and masturbation. Sexually, you can find me at… — Jarod Kintz Midnight Copy Share Image
“I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your… — Jarod Kintz Astronaut Copy Share Image
“You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my skull were made of glass, I wouldn’t want you to see my thoughts, so I’d fear going bald.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, "I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon." Hopefully, with a little lunar… — Jarod Kintz Song Copy Share Image
“My penis is seven. Not years old or even inches. No, my genitalia is the prime number seven. Isn’t that odd?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Tomorrow night I’m giving a lecture on silence and invisibility. Don’t be surprised if I don’t show up. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm sure glad socks are made out of cotton, and not ice-cube trays, because I don't like keeping my socks in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The proof is in the putting. But it’s sexier to be taking off (just don’t take off without me).” — Jarod Kintz Golf Copy Share Image
“If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I’d think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Habits define who we are from the outside in, more than who we are defines us from the inside out.” — Jarod Kintz Habits Copy Share Image
“Despite marking the spot, Generation X has no treasure. How could they, when I dug it up first?” — Jarod Kintz Generation Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent society as a whole. But to represent society as a half, I’d recommend using either… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Aside from the fact that you’re not my son, and I’m not a woman, do you think I’m a good mother?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A shopping cart flipped upside down forms a cage that I use to protect myself from consumerism.” — Jarod Kintz Cage Copy Share Image
“Why go to remote parts of the world? If they’re remote, just turn them on and watch them on your couch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes it’s not about selling my handmade crafts. Sometimes it’s about giving myself handjobs and calling the product “arts and crafts.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Your fate is like a new jar of peanut butter. It may be sealed, but you can choose whether it is smooth… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I’ll never rest on my laurels. If I’ve got more than one Laurel in my bed, rest is not how I plan… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t know how to say it without saying it, so I’ll just not say it. Or I could show it, because… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A fuel pump is a fountain drink machine for cars. And people who want to save the environment and get drunk and… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, which make sense because yesterday I frowned so much I ended… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
