“Mouths are longer than they are wide, to ensure words don’t come out sideways. Even the word “sideways” comes out straight.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I cried at the funeral. It wasn’t because I loved her, it was because I was there, in the front pew at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Alzheimer’s is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“While I’m no Major League Baseball prospect, I have thrown a few no-hitters in my day. And not only were there no… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.” — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“I plant the “flag” in camouflage, though you couldn’t see by looking at it. (I hide behind my patriotism, and I hide… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Which is more valuable into showing how I think: the order I think of things, or the order in which I arrange… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as motivation to acquire more bricks. Hey, I’m just trying to help here. Don’t shut me out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drew a portrait of an invisible man on a nice canvas, because that's all you see. Oh, and I used a… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“The patrons aren’t patronizing the store, and it’s not just the economy that’s keeping them out—it’s that nobody here likes to be… — Jarod Kintz Patronizing Copy Share Image
“Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I loved her so much, but she vanished from my life. She didn’t just suddenly disappear, but she slowly began losing her… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The most the average person probably reads in a day is a STOP sign or two. And based on how people drive… — Jarod Kintz Average person Copy Share Image
“I met a guy who had an interesting job. He was a meat cutter, or a meat slicer, something like that. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like being featherless in mid flight and not even wondering if you taste like chicken. My love must taste like… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Wherever there’s a gathering of people, there is networking going on. My favorite place to network is the cemetery.” — Jarod Kintz Networking Copy Share Image
“Orafoura told me my writing is all nonsense. “Nonsense,” I replied. “Glad you agree, “ he said.” — Jarod Kintz Nonsense Copy Share Image
“You can have your cake, but you can’t eat it. You have to sit there and watch me scarf it down.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Business idea: People like to eat and drive, so why not make edible cars? Instead of gasoline, they’d run on coffee.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“He flatters me because he knows I am flattered by him flattering me. And that flatters him. So when he flatters me,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One blanket, coupled with a fluffy pillow, could be implemented as a torture device for insomniacs. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Data doesn’t matter. Only opinions and stories formed from the data matters and gets shared and absorbed.” — Jarod Kintz Data Copy Share Image
“I’ve felt alone, cold, and clothed in shame for too long. Let the sunlight be my blanket, wardrobe, and toilet paper.” — Jarod Kintz Shame Copy Share Image
“US highways are in such disrepair that instead of repaving, they should just mow the grass that’s sprung up and displaced the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My reputation precedes me. It shows up about fifteen minutes before I do, eats, and then leaves without paying or tipping.” — Jarod Kintz Precedes Copy Share Image
“Life is struggle. Poor people struggle to get money, and rich people struggle to keep their money.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, "Who's the yellowbelly that stole… — Jarod Kintz Cowboy Copy Share Image
“Accepting your help, I’m not doing it for me—I’m doing it for you. You need to help me more than I need… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best thing to do with a seven-year-old is wait until they’re eight to tell them to wait until they’re 18 to… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I get on the elevator on the ground floor, the building has no basement, and someone says, Going up? I like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dialogue between two characters, each of them different forms of karate, might be a bit choppy.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Hellos are ascending in speed, not slowing down like goodbyes. I may say hi as I swerve my car to greet you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to water down the water. Don’t do it now! Wait until I am finished bathing. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My heart is closed, but open. Closed to one woman in particular, but open to the public. Guided tours are offered Monday… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re getting up to cross the Sahara, I could sure go for a bottle of water. My thirst to love you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hate when people say primitive people didn’t even have running water. What do they call rivers?” — Jarod Kintz Primitive Copy Share Image
“The only reason I’m pushing an empty wheelbarrow is because it’s easier than pulling it. Let this be a lesson in networking.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
