“I have a secret secret admirer. Not only is her identity a secret—but so is the fact that she admires me. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m stronger than a pack of crackers and a pack of midgets, but not the PAC 12. PAC 11, maybe, but not 12.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An ideal first date should involve things like a candle-lit dinner, soft music, and a binary anal defibrillator, with a guest appearance… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is the sound of footsteps behind you in a dark hallway. Why does it seem like I’m walking on grass, rather… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used to think I knew what love was, but here recently it has been revealed to me that what I thought… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I could be the man of your dreams. I could also be the alarm clock, stealing you away from the man of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my love could be represented by a blur, it would be the beating of a hummingbird’s wings. Did you know that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I suggested to her that she start writing. "I can't write at all," she said. "Neither can many bestsellers," I replied. "But… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“Critique my better work only, because I want to get better from my best, not better from my worst.” — Jarod Kintz Critique Copy Share Image
“Ireland is probably named the “Emerald Isle” because there are lots of precious stones found there, such as sapphires and rubies.” — Jarod Kintz Ireland Copy Share Image
“I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.” — Jarod Kintz Condo Copy Share Image
“Is it any wonder that war is senseless? It’s started by politicians. As a class, politicians have no class, and even less… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My clones just honored me with the 2012 Man of the Year Award. But I wasn’t fooled—I knew they were really honoring… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“When I burp I’m not just pushing polluted air into the world—no, I’m espousing my belief on the true nature of politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“When someone I admire turns out to be a rather normal guy, I get offended because it’s an insult to my jealousy.” — Jarod Kintz Jealousy Copy Share Image
“I'm really going to freak out if I don't get into Histrionics 101. And if I get in, I'll also freak out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I bought you a box of karate chops, but it could be dangerous to open it with a knife. And cats are… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I wear clothing made out of green screen material, because then I can go chameleon when I edit the photo. And chameleon… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“If I were to hold up a bank with my index finger and my thumb as the “gun,” then I hope I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think the best time to launch an assault on a city would be not only in the middle of the night,… — Jarod Kintz Best time Copy Share Image
“I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish I had a crystal bowl to see into the future with. Every morning I would eat my cereal out of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s good if you think bad thoughts, because at least you’re thinking. That’s more than most people do.” — Jarod Kintz Bad thoughts Copy Share Image
“After dinner I told her I wouldn’t put away the plates, because I might cause an earthquake (plate tectonics).” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to smother a fire—but not the fire that burns in my heart for you. Or perhaps that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Poison Ivy tastes like an itch when you have it on your tongue, and I’d say that love tastes the same, only… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I think Starbucks would go out of business if more people were to Superglue their eyelids open when they felt tired.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“My advice is don’t take advice from anybody. This is good advice, and as such, it’s bad advice.” — Jarod Kintz Advice Copy Share Image
“If it’s not one thing, it’s another. The other thing is, of course, two. That makes the one thing love, because two… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I am a duck. I’m cool and calm on the surface, but underneath it all is a nonstop struggle to succeed. My… — Jarod Kintz Struggle Copy Share Image
“I can’t remember the last time I had fun. Wait, yes I can. It was 1989, and I was wearing a t-shirt… — Jarod Kintz Communism Copy Share Image
“Karate, I get a real kick out of it. I would get a kick out of coffee, but I’ve got better ways… — Jarod Kintz Better way Copy Share Image
“When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At… — Jarod Kintz Spartans Copy Share Image
“I’ll steal the letter X, and replace it with treasure. So sex would then be spelled setreasure, but it’d still be just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When somebody tells me they’ve had a bad day, I always respond in a somber voice, “Yes, I’ve had one of those… — Jarod Kintz Bad day Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used like trophies. And if we give them to everyone, just for participating, then collectively we could build a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A cat purring on your lap while you sip hot tea, is there anything better? Oh, and you’re floating in a zero… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
