“Before I grab your ass, I’ll take off my gloves. They’re cutting off circulation to my thighs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On March 5th, I'm having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don't be late!” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“There’s fool’s gold—pyrite—and then there’s fool’s gold—gold owned by idiots willing to trade it for worthless dollars. ” — Jarod Kintz Gold Copy Share Image
“A writer must be a lifelong reader to be good. And if you want to be a great writer, I’d suggest trying… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Pa extended his paw as if to say, “I’m here, and I’m human.” What else could I do but say, “Meow.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I get the impression that people who wear too much cologne are hiding something. People who wear clothes are hiding something too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In exchange for my silence, I want a box of quiet. Empty—and full. That’s also how I like my morning coffee at night.” — Jarod Kintz Morning coffee Copy Share Image
“A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of… — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“Today I’m feeling uncharacteristically chiaroscuro, and I don’t know what that means for my future, or as a word.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I grew an inch a day, in 365 days I’d be one year tall. I’d be over three basketball hoops high,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The birds fly south for the winter not because it’s cold, but because they have wings. Similarly, love has the ultimate flight… — Jarod Kintz Bird Copy Share Image
“I collect collect calls from the 80s. I prefer them in mint condition, meaning the phone's still ringing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was… — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“I am the sum of all somes, with a few scattered nones and nuns thrown in (though I didn’t throw the nuns… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one way to respond to, “How do you like your dinosaur burger cooked?” and that is: Rare.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My hair isn’t turning gray, but it is losing its flavor. It used to taste like straw, and now it tastes like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could make a good hood on a car, because it’s flat and warm and I don’t currently have a hood.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a logo for a company called Blanket. A right turn signal in the left turn only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I hear someone’s sick, my first thought is selfishly, Better him than me. My second thought is more altruistic: Better him… — Jarod Kintz Loved ones Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help define your rigid beliefs. I put my beliefs to bed, along with the hooker I… — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. I woke up with sand… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to be the best man at your wedding. I have bigger goals than that! I want to be the… — Jarod Kintz Best man Copy Share Image
“While I was there, the song reminded me of here. But now that I’m here, the song reminds me of there. But… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll leave my disconnected cell phone as collateral, and I’ll call you on it when I’m able to pay.” — Jarod Kintz Cell phone Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be twirled in the air, like a new idea in your mind, and then either discarded or folded up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A fire truck is just a drivable penis. The flames of my love might engulf you, if you don’t let me park… — Jarod Kintz Fire Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones. ” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A real criminal mastermind isn’t known as a criminal mastermind, because how good can you be if you’re a known criminal? No,… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Do or don’t, there is no don. Don is an honor not bestowed on any procrastinator, not even a professor at Oxford.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not rich in paper money, I’m rich in packets of sugar. Actually, I’m richer, because at least the packets of sugar… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“My 30th birthday happened once too often to remember fondly. I spilled all my love that night, despite a lid being on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn… — Jarod Kintz Neighbors Copy Share Image
“I got hit on at the bar last night, and this morning I have a black eye. Sometimes you can be so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm allergic to fingers, so I have to eat pizza with my feet. You should see me eat on the run.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people believe that people are essentially evil. Others believe people are essentially good. I believe they are somewhere in the middle,… — Jarod Kintz Evil Copy Share Image
“I may have written this before, but I may not have written it as well, so I’ll write it again.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You don’t have to tell me why, if you tell me why you won’t tell me why. Or at the very least… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“And benefits? Just getting to breathe the same air as the distinguished guests that’ll scoff and sneer at me is more reward… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
