“I want to invent a portable sink. It won’t be small, but it will be the size and shape of a car.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s times like these, in the middle of the night, that I wonder about the wisdom of nicknaming Florida “The Sunshine State.” — Jarod Kintz Florida Copy Share Image
“A brick could be analyzed in the lab, broken down into olfactory components, and repackaged as an air freshener that promises that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want instant coffee at the snap of my fingers that gives me more energy than that generated by a million snaps.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“Give me 10 pins and a hardwood lane, and I’ll bowl. Just as long as that bowl is full of spaghetti. I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had amber-colored eyes. Or maybe they were blue, and I was confusing their color with her name, which was Amber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At Starbucks I like ordering a “Tall venti in a grande cup.” That’s basically me asking for a small large in a… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I’ll beat you with a ladder, so in my defense I can say, “I didn’t hit him! Look at those bruises. They… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help America make money. Trust me, this is smarter than letting a central bank like the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t tell you how much I love @Gatorade. Wait, I’m sorry. I always get Gatorade and Windex mixed up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You get used to success and you start to expect it—and that’s when you fail. Luckily for me, I can’t possibly fail,… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It’s tough because they’re slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The two lovers were inseparable. Well, I guess death could split them up. So could Ryan Gosling, because she has a thing… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise.” — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“Is my conversation putting you to sleep, or is the rufie I slipped in your dog food finally starting to kick in?” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I dreamt it in my dream. You tried to steal my dream—the whole thing. But even though it was a dream, it… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I thought I did, but I guess I didn’t. But I did think I did, and it’s the thought that counts, right?” — Jarod Kintz Thinking Copy Share Image
“When I meet a European, the first thing I say is, “I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing… — Jarod Kintz European Copy Share Image
“I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In a dream, in her head means in my head, as I have unrestricted access to her thoughts and the innermost parts… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“To forgive is Godly. To begrudge is manly. I don’t even have any chest hair, so you know where I stand.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you’re starving, and all the grocery stores are out of meat, that’s when you’ll be glad you’re a pet owner.” — Jarod Kintz Grocery store Copy Share Image
“Things just didn’t work out between us. Who knows, another time, another place, maybe things still wouldn’t have worked out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves.” — Jarod Kintz Parent Copy Share Image
“Helen Keller, she just can’t see how much I love her. Also, she acts like she can’t hear my crying out for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a cold breeze signifies a ghost, then the arctic must be really haunted. I’m going there next week, because I’ve got… — Jarod Kintz Arctic Copy Share Image
“What can I say about love that’s never been said by me or anyone else? Well, sometimes love smells like my farts,… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used to represent the warmth and comfort of Libertarian ideals. And the world would be a better place, if… — Jarod Kintz Better place Copy Share Image
“I wanted to say Thank You in sign language, but instead I sneezed and ended up shooting out an I love you.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thank God I have enough skin to cover my entire body. But just barely. If my penis were a mere 2.54 centimeters… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After they broke up, Renaldo's ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her, because… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“Is the only reason you get out of bed because you can’t sleep anymore? I’m like that sometimes.” — Jarod Kintz Reason Copy Share Image
“Once the bar gets set too high, simply lower it so you can keep on hitting your goals. You could get a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.” — Jarod Kintz Cyanide Copy Share Image
“I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“When my internal voice goes external, and I’m in a noisy crowd, I can hardly hear myself think.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“I walk like a shriveled hippopotamus, I jog like a giraffe with charcoal knees, and I run like never.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
