“I steal cracker packets. I hoard them. Once my collection is large enough, I’ll take them to the flea market and try… — Jarod Kintz Cracker Copy Share Image
“The fastest I’ve ever fallen in love is 17 miles per hour. But I was safe, because I was wearing a bicycle… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“The world has genetically modified opinions, but mine are organic. Taste them and you will see.” — Jarod Kintz Genetically modified Copy Share Image
“There’s this girl who’s obsessed with me. I would tell you what she looks like, but she’s transparent. But I will tell… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One thought I think every person eventually thinks is, “Holy shit, I’m going to die!” Sorry, I just turned thirty yesterday, so… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“My rules are as follows: don’t follow, unless there’s a fire. And in that case, follow from the front.” — Jarod Kintz Fire Copy Share Image
“My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary—A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of… — Jarod Kintz Dictionary Copy Share Image
“The price of gold is up 14 fold since last time I tried unfolding it. And laundry has declined two folds.” — Jarod Kintz Gold Copy Share Image
“I rented a dress, but not an address. That I had to buy, though it made my ass look like two sacks… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is something to be cherished, like the toy at the bottom of a box of cereal. And just as a warning,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need to lay low for a while. I’ll be on my stomach, trying not to arch my back (damn scoliosis).” — Jarod Kintz Scoliosis Copy Share Image
“If love came out of exhaust pipes, like a penis that penetrated deep into one, then maybe the world could use more… — Jarod Kintz Global warming Copy Share Image
“I saw two lizards kissing yesterday, but I scared them off. Maybe I should have taken off my bird costume before peeping… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People are like books. You can either read them, or you can burn them. But before I try to read you, I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I once met an asexual unicycle, but I wasn’t wearing rubber gloves so I didn’t even try to pick it up. Ah,… — Jarod Kintz Asexual Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like a giraffe could be used as a neck warmer. You could also use my foreskin. ” — Jarod Kintz Warmer Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate. ” — Jarod Kintz Anus Copy Share Image
“Everyone in the world ages at exactly the same rate and time. We’re all getting older in unison.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She must have said wear flip-flops, but I heard flippers. I might not have been able to run fast, but oh could… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I should make a tongue condom shaped like an oven mitt, so my mouth’s spoken language muscle is protected from hot coffee.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is to beer as I am to drunk. And you say I’m not romantic. Shoot, I’m so romantic I could just… — Jarod Kintz Drunk Copy Share Image
“The cheese was riddled with holes, and it was a riddle to me what kind it was. All I know is my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. Oh yes, it’s as big… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The scent of your asshole smells like childhood memories. I mean it would, if I grew up in New Jersey.” — Jarod Kintz Childhood memories Copy Share Image
“The crickets sounded like maybe in the trees. They were pretty loud to be so unsure of themselves.” — Jarod Kintz Crickets Copy Share Image
“If you could smell my smile, you’d nose how bad I want to kiss you. But you can’t, and I don’t.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“You can talk about love all day, but until you feel it, you might as well be an albino under an umbrella.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Love is 90% what life is about, plus or minus 10%. Of course, I just made both figures up, and made-up figures… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“In high school they called me “Pizza Face.” Not because I had bad acne, though I did, but because I always wore… — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“Love is 3:33 am plus 360 degrees plus 365 days, minus 12:34 pm. I ought to know, because I weighed it myself.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The country with the most writers is ironically probably the country with the least readers—USA. And once my parents die, my entire… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Love is like a blanket: it will keep you warm, but it might also suffocate you. Also, it's probably covered with cat… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“3.5 billion men in the world all share one I love you. That’s why men rarely say it, because there is only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being out in the sunlight brightens my mood, especially if that sunlight is reflected off the moon.” — Jarod Kintz Moon Copy Share Image
“You can't be extinct if people aren't even aware you ever existed. I should know, because I don't know.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Not to be conceited, but I think I made a real impact on her life. And I was only driving 45 mph… — Jarod Kintz Driving Copy Share Image
“I’d like to let another person reveal my personality, and I’d like this person to be my clone. My clone would see… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“What I got out of church was a love of God, and a detestable feeling for the men standing in the way… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
