“A brick could be used as a color in a new line of lipstick, designed to woo the mason of every woman’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to replace stop signs. Some people won’t stop at stop signs, but everybody will stop for a brick… — Jarod Kintz Brick wall Copy Share Image
“Words are all we’ve got. Besides, of course, actions. But you can’t print out and read actions. Actions also don’t carry ideas… — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“My gas tank is on empty, but my erection is on full. Still, it would be wise to stop the car before… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As a writer, I need more exposure. I think I’ll take off my pants. Would you mind if I kept my penis… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!” — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“I network like a shepherd with a flock of sheep. I’m constantly on the lookout for wolves, and I’m always in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to squiggle your signature with. And while you’re in the autographing mood, why don’t you sign your… — Jarod Kintz Autograph Copy Share Image
“They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When the war comes, you’ll find me on the front line, with some crayons, coloring outside the lines.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick has eight edges and six sides. That’s nearly as many sides as a politician takes when discussing a binary issue. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I got married, I could not have chosen a more gorgeous, loving, or perfect woman to crush than the one I… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I think coffee is the best drink known to man. I also think that wine is the best drink known to woman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The engine of my car is so powerful I could wash dishes under the hood. But that’d be pretty absurd, since I… — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.” — Jarod Kintz Choice Copy Share Image
“At the Peabody Hotel, you’ll find two things: a pea and a body. Was it murder by starvation? Come spend the night… — Jarod Kintz Hotel Copy Share Image
“After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“The closest my penis has come to my sexy coworker’s vagina, is piss splatters on the toilet seat at the office.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I traded in my car with no gas in the tank and my new car came with a full tank. So I… — Jarod Kintz New car Copy Share Image
“The question is not how much work are you willing to put in, but what are you willing to take out? Success… — Jarod Kintz Sacrifice Copy Share Image
“Love doesn’t just have arms to embrace you; it also has arms that attach to the hands that slowly strangle you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her last name is Bunch, but her first name isn’t Brady. And there was a bunch of her (she was obese). Still,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do you even listen to what I say? Would you be able to listen better if you were wearing a football helmet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a handicap on the golf course like you wouldn’t believe. It’s more than a limp, and less than a wheelchair.” — Jarod Kintz Golf Copy Share Image
“I sing into burritos like they're microphones. If you want my autograph, you’re going to have to wait until the end of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once watched several criminals engage in an organized argument, while an audience of supporters cheered them on, but I was so… — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like Wednesday and Thursday, only Thursday wasn’t always on top. Her name was Yesterday, and today will always remind… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as brain filler for the political mind, just in case one of our elected officials needs a… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“My dad taught me everything I know about being a man, and most of what I know about being a woman. The… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“I would answer the door for the pizza delivery guy wearing my birthday suit, but it had cake all over it so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My lucky rabbit's foot has kept me alive all these years. Hopefully it will do so indefinitely. Immortality through sheer luck.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“In middle school, Renaldo was voted most likely to vote in a Presidential election. But he was the most obvious choice to… — Jarod Kintz Middle school Copy Share Image
“A speeding fine lets me know it’s OK to break the law, just so long as I’m willing pay money for the… — Jarod Kintz Law Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to reveal hidden mysteries. Quick, get naked and get under, and I will illuminate the night. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a list of people to kill. All but number 33 are my clones. Who’s number 33? Why you are, of course.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“Distributing unsolicited You’re Welcomes, it’s a thankless task. It’s almost as if people don’t want to see me at 4 AM as… — Jarod Kintz Unsolicited Copy Share Image
