“I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sitting on my ass all day long is fun and all, but I’d rather sit on your ass. More padding, like an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A bathroom that doubles as an elevator would be a great place to open a coffee shop—but only if it’s a Starbucks.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Three Guys and a Goat is not a good name for a bed and breakfast. I know, because my two partners overruled… — Jarod Kintz Good Name Copy Share Image
“I won’t put up with a woman who tries to put me down. But I might put out if she lets me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover up the bald spot all over my chest. That’s why I get so cold at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not selfish. I’d gladly give someone’s life, a more valuable life than my own, while I humbly preserve and keep my… — Jarod Kintz Valuable life Copy Share Image
“If I run for office, my political platform will be made of wood, and it’ll be made by the people.” — Jarod Kintz Political Copy Share Image
“A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks. But we wouldn’t have to go through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to… — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while tinkling. If you think that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one… — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On a scale of 1-10, fish have them. Scales—fish have scales, and I have 10 of them. Fish—I have 10, and I… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“I’ll buy you a dress at half price, and hopefully half as much cloth was used and it’s twice as short as… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“When you perform too well, you get punished by winning. This feeling is transitory, and after the celebration is over, all you… — Jarod Kintz Celebration Copy Share Image
“As the Hulk is green, I was bright red. I wasn’t embarrassed, but I was having a Niacin reaction.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It takes a lot of commitment to sit on a committee. Only the most courageous could boldly command all that power, yet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The cute girl at the bar asked for my number. I told her I’m number one. Then I gave her the area… — Jarod Kintz Programming Copy Share Image
“So I just got a call from the hotel, and they want me to start work tomorrow. I’m excited to have a… — Jarod Kintz Art work Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up… — Jarod Kintz Atlantic ocean Copy Share Image
“It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already… — Jarod Kintz Booze Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don’t mean it. When I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was driving to another girl’s house who’s not my girl, and I saw a red sign by the road that read,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to bring as much love into the world as I can. Where am I bringing it from? I’m going to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I make love like a brick could be used as toilet paper. Sure, it’s rough, but I thought you liked that shit. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My nose is so big it’s like a mountain ridge on my face. Ladies, you could Mt. Everest, or you could mount… — Jarod Kintz Mt everest Copy Share Image
“To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone. ” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Freedom isn't free. But there are some really great coupons if you know where to look. Buy one liberty, get the next… — Jarod Kintz Coupons Copy Share Image
“Ten years have gone by since the ten year anniversary, and I still remember it like it happened a decade ago.” — Jarod Kintz Anniversary Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Women are referred to as the fairer sex. But are they really less tan, or are they just more reasonable?” — Jarod Kintz Fairer Copy Share Image
“Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business.” — Jarod Kintz Better way Copy Share Image
“I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
