“I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will… — Jarod Kintz Average person Copy Share Image
“She told me she loved me. Most men wouldn’t know how to respond, but I did. What else could I say but,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How can I clearly see what’s wrong with someone else, and then look at myself as though I’m standing in front of… — Jarod Kintz Mirror Copy Share Image
“My printer printed off blank pages. Is my printer out of ink, or do I just have nothing to say?” — Jarod Kintz Blank page Copy Share Image
“My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t need a hearing aid—I need a listening aid. And this aid, she’d better be pleasing to look at.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I have a spreadsheet of all the women I'd like to spread and sheet. Your mom is on my list. So is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to see cats tumble around, but I wish they wouldn’t meow so much when I shove them in the dryer.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I want to grow a tan and an accent, then dig it out of my garden and staple it to my naked… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m asleep I’m a politician, and when I’m awake I’m a criminal. Throughout the day and night, my mentality never changes.” — Jarod Kintz Day and night Copy Share Image
“I want to make a splash in the world, and I want to make one with my dry wit. My dry wit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Compact trash into a cube. Then slice it into thin layers and BOOM—you’ve got pieces of modern art. Each sliver belongs in… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I’m covered in fish hair! I have a dwarf shaped like a suitcase that I carry everywhere. Women tell me I love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to measure the speed of gravity, but an apple offers a tastier option. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With the economic depression and unemployment at record levels, at least I have an excuse to be a bum. I can blame… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“My OCD governs my actions like a governor, but I didn’t vote for it. No, I voted for Dora J. Arod.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thor’s the kind of guy who has a closet full of tailored suits and colorful ties, yet never leaves the house and… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“Dream nonsense: Character: Hey, how are you? Me: I’m tired. I mean, this is a dream, so I must be, right?” — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“The Federal Reserve was created after a 1913 meeting in Jekyll Island, Ga that was so secret it wasn’t discovered until Orafoura… — Jarod Kintz Customer Copy Share Image
“Hard work sends your opponent a message. It says you’re not talented enough to win on intrinsic merit alone. I sent my… — Jarod Kintz Message Copy Share Image
“My name is Two Dogs Wink While Chewing. It’s not an Indian name, nor one that reflects my cat-loving nature.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as an inherently destructive force, if you can just get past the brick stage. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You’re disoriented. You’re in the future. You just woke up. You’ve been asleep for eight hours. ” — Jarod Kintz Asleep Copy Share Image
“Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“If my name were Isaac Newton, would I be a famous no name? I’d have worldwide and historical name recognition, yet I’d… — Jarod Kintz Anonymous Copy Share Image
“My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it. ” — Jarod Kintz Breath Copy Share Image
“You make me sick. I think I’ll have to call out of work on your account. Or have that account closed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like watching people stretch in the park. It's my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack.” — Jarod Kintz Park Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Science, where would scientists be without it? They’d probably still be in my basement, where I left them a few minutes ago.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Large metal objects moving at high speeds have such an impact on me that I just get paralyzed. Honk if you’re horny,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the sort of guy who will accept blame, if it means being singled out as honest and honorable, and there’s a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Im bilingual, speaking English and body language. I prefer the latter, because I can speak it silently and without listening and while… — Jarod Kintz Bilingual Copy Share Image
“One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to the end of our… — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“I can throw an orange like a baseball, but I can’t eat a baseball like an orange. Let that be a life… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“Thinking ahead is like remembering the future. How about that time we made love? I’ll bet it will be amazing.” — Jarod Kintz Future Copy Share Image
“I may give up on life one day, but that doesn’t mean my clones will just roll over and die. There are… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“I’m always amazed that my twin has the same birthday as me, and that he doesn’t exist. I wonder if I exist?” — Jarod Kintz Twin Copy Share Image
