“If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t… — Jarod Kintz Secret Copy Share Image
“Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need them. Women—I don’t have them, but I need them.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact,… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“Hoping you were the first to do something, and fearing you weren’t the first, won’t change the future by altering the past.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am terrified of heights, sharks, and spiders, so I am not into skydiving, surfing, or camping. I am the epitome of… — Jarod Kintz Cowardice Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to sell war to the peacemongers. The trick is to sell war cheap, because the real profit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With gift giving, if it’s the thought that counts, then a picture of a Mercedes is just as good as an actual… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“I must be a great leader because many people follow me. Most of the people are police officers, if that gives you… — Jarod Kintz Great leader Copy Share Image
“The Mythical Mr. Boo has several eagle feathers, or “Freedom Feathers,” as he likes to call them, that he staples to his… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to swallow up the nightmares you used to have as a kid. Whatever happened to those bad… — Jarod Kintz Bad dream Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do they make chin straps with knives attached? If they do, I need one. You can never have too much safety—especially when… — Jarod Kintz Falling in love Copy Share Image
“I think I just inhaled a cloud shaped like the ghost of my grandpa, and all I have to say is grandma… — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m in no position to criticize, because I’m in the fetal position, and I’m bound and gagged and stuffed in the trunk… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could have thought up a lot of things, but many great people had to go and live before me. They might… — Jarod Kintz Great people Copy Share Image
“I may have a point, but that still leaves me two points shy of a three-point turn. But I'd rather be right… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people read books on musicians, while I read music books. Not books on music, but literally books full of sheet music.… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend said she’d never cheat on me. Well, she did—with an accountant. Now I owe money to the IRS.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to show you how much I love you. Well, maybe not a whole brick, but certainly a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“Time is fluid, like the wide sky that fades into bright orange in a sunset in The Ozarks. Every moment is meant… — Jarod Kintz Every moment Copy Share Image
“My apartment complex isn’t. No, it’s simple. I used to think our love was simple, until Chris Hemsworth moved into your heart.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Who wants to be the unsung heroes of my voiceless choir quartet? We’re the Helen Kellers, and I’m holding auditions with oven… — Jarod Kintz Auditions Copy Share Image
“When bananas blush, they turn brown, not red. And when tomatoes blush, you’ve probably said something really naughty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love has six sides, but it’s not a coffin. That’s just an optical illusion. Still, one day my love for you… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Love doesn’t have form (aside from your naked body), but it does have a shape. The shape of love is circular, like… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.” — Jarod Kintz Forgetting Copy Share Image
“To be a great writer, you must be nomadic. I’d recommend the hunter/gatherer lifestyle for anybody serious about being nonsensical.” — Jarod Kintz Nomadic Copy Share Image
“My rural erection didn’t impress the people in town, but I did have all the dairy farmers lining up to try to… — Jarod Kintz Rural Copy Share Image
“My favorite time to network is now. Seriously, what are you doing this instant? Call all your friends and tell them you… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I thought she was older than she was, and I thought she was younger than she was. She looked older, but she… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t put the hat in hate and then wear it around with pride. Wear your love like socks for gloves, and let… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I can’t talk you out of what your heart is set on. I just hope you set it on the shelf, next… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to not be used. Is my hair waving in the wind, or are your eyes twitching? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my name were Entist, I’d probably be a dentist. If my name were Dennis, I’d probably be into tennis. And if… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not in manufacturing, but I make something. I make a difference. But to be honest, I think China can make it… — Jarod Kintz China Copy Share Image
