I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes. — Greg Fitzsimmons Feels Copy Share Image
Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me. — Greg Fitzsimmons Around Copy Share Image
I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my… — Greg Fitzsimmons Acne Copy Share Image
If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married. — Greg Fitzsimmons Having sex Copy Share Image
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something. — Greg Fitzsimmons Hard Copy Share Image
My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at… — Greg Fitzsimmons Dinner Copy Share Image
They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame. — Greg Fitzsimmons Men Copy Share Image
Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications. — Greg Fitzsimmons Good luck Copy Share Image
They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So… — Greg Fitzsimmons Antidepressants Copy Share Image
Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave… — Greg Fitzsimmons Cracks Copy Share Image
I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no… — Greg Fitzsimmons Be creative Copy Share Image
The compulsion to do the opposite of what you are told does not lend itself to many occupations outside the entertainment industry.… — Greg Fitzsimmons Career Copy Share Image
I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment.… — Greg Fitzsimmons Deeper Copy Share Image
It's an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It's what we were bred… — Greg Fitzsimmons Consistent Copy Share Image
When I work in San Francisco doing stand-up, I usually schedule it for July, and we'll drive up the coast and camp… — Greg Fitzsimmons Barbara Copy Share Image
Growing up with Bronx Irish parents during an era of protests against the status quo, I was especially committed to doing the… — Greg Fitzsimmons Against Copy Share Image
Since first hearing the story as a child, any mention of the 'Boston Tea Party' has elicited in me an excitement that… — Greg Fitzsimmons America Copy Share Image
My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be… — Greg Fitzsimmons Ability Copy Share Image
I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of… — Greg Fitzsimmons Able Copy Share Image
As a single couple, we are no longer able to hang around with married couples 'cause they cannot be in our presence… — Greg Fitzsimmons Able Copy Share Image
Trickle-down economics - it didn't work. The whole idea was supply-side economics: give rich people a lot of money; they'll spend it,… — Greg Fitzsimmons Economics Copy Share Image
My friend goes, 'If you're going to use Rogaine, just put it somewhere you're going to remember to use it everyday.' So… — Greg Fitzsimmons Causes Copy Share Image
I don't gamble anymore since I had a kid. I have fun in Vegas. I see shows, Cirque du Soleil. Don Rickles… — Greg Fitzsimmons Anymore Copy Share Image
The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks. — Greg Fitzsimmons Drunks Copy Share Image
I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries. — Greg Fitzsimmons Cold Copy Share Image
There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. — Greg Fitzsimmons Awhile Copy Share Image
The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds. — Greg Fitzsimmons Interesting Copy Share Image
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership. — Greg Fitzsimmons Guy Copy Share Image
I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it… — Greg Fitzsimmons Las vegas Copy Share Image
When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never… — Greg Fitzsimmons Banana Copy Share Image
They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops. — Greg Fitzsimmons Cop Copy Share Image
Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside. — Greg Fitzsimmons Dead inside Copy Share Image
I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a… — Greg Fitzsimmons Comedian Copy Share Image
My dad was in radio; he was a broadcaster, and it was in the family. He hosted kind of a game show… — Greg Fitzsimmons Broadcaster Copy Share Image
What is most difficult is when the large part of me that is a narcissist grows weary and is overtaken by the… — Greg Fitzsimmons Always Copy Share Image
The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters. — Greg Fitzsimmons Hipster Copy Share Image
I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that. — Greg Fitzsimmons Being Copy Share Image
Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical. — Greg Fitzsimmons Christmas Copy Share Image
If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good? — Greg Fitzsimmons Be good Copy Share Image
