If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good? — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I realized that every second that I'm alive, the world cares less about me. It's just a very linear, downward progression. And… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
My friend goes, 'If you're going to use Rogaine, just put it somewhere you're going to remember to use it everyday.' So… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
Trickle-down economics - it didn't work. The whole idea was supply-side economics: give rich people a lot of money; they'll spend it,… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D.,… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
Trickle-down economics - it didn't work. The whole idea was supply-side economics: give rich people a lot of money; they'll spend it, it'll go… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
My dad was in radio; he was a broadcaster, and it was in the family. He hosted kind of a game show at one… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
