Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump… — Dave Attell Causes Copy Share Image
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin! — Dave Attell Girl Copy Share Image
I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A… — Dave Attell Book Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me. — Dave Attell Forgiveness Copy Share Image
Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us. — Dave Attell Animal Copy Share Image
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell… — Dave Attell Damn Copy Share Image
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much… — Dave Attell Actors Copy Share Image
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick… — Dave Attell Fantasy Copy Share Image
Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you. — Dave Attell Behind you Copy Share Image
Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick. — Dave Attell Always Copy Share Image
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno! — Dave Attell Bracelet Copy Share Image
You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you… — Dave Attell Bail Copy Share Image
Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile. — Dave Attell Looks Copy Share Image
I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show. — Dave Attell Crowds Copy Share Image
So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but… — Dave Attell Drunk Copy Share Image
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike. — Dave Attell Certain Copy Share Image
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival. — Dave Attell Candle Copy Share Image
I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what… — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about. — Dave Attell Fun Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that. — Dave Attell Astronomy Copy Share Image
