All Christopher Titus Quotes
- Born free. Taxed to death. Born
- Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant. Baseball
- God bless America. But God, please help Canada. America
- If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you. Drag
- No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. Big
- Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember. Any
- Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies. Animal
- Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people… Cake
- Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die. Bee
- The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..." Always Start
- We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse. Brought
- Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on. Better
- My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed… Car
- Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader. Accept
- I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm… Bar
- I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them. Exceeding
- And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with… Arrogant
- I lost 28 pounds in my divorce…because that's what a soul weighs. Divorce
- I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work. Fail
- The normal make a living. The deranged make history. Deranged
- You know what, man? I am going to literally — if (Palin) gets elected president, I am going to hang out on the grassy knoll… All
- Why don't you climb down off the cross, take the wood to build a bridge, and get over it! Bridge
- I wish we had a relationship Starbucks cuz that's where you make it perfect. You can get everything perfect at Starbucks. If we could just… Bi Polar