Bill Engvall Quotes

26 quotes in 559 categories

• My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
• There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger…
• I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with…
• I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered…
• He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course…
• I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first…
• Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
• I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit…
• So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the…
• Hat's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.
• This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says 'you like baseball?' I said, 'Oh, man, I love baseball.' So he goes…
• I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
• Go 'it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!' And my wife goes 'Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?',and I…
• I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or…
• No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food…
• Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.
• I discovered two very important facts that day; Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog…
• Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass...but you just pushed my jackass button.
• You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say 'My Bad!'
• I thought 'RV' stood for 'Recreational Vehicle.' No! It stands for 'Ruins Vacations.'

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